3xtreme

Look how xtreme these guys are.

3xtreme, apparently the third in a series of terrible racing games (the "3" in there gives it away), made its debut on the PlayStation years ago. Because the game drops the "e" from "xtreme," you just know it's going to be totally rad, right?

The disappointment begins as soon as the game does. You pick from one of several hideous characters, like some chick wearing the American flag or the "hip" dude with baggy shorts and a floppy hat. Each character gets to use one of three xtreme rides, including a skateboard, mountain bike or roller blades.

How roller blades are supposed to compete with a mountain bike, or even a skateboard, is beyond me. If you pick the roller blades, you're automatically at a disadvantage. I'm guessing they are meant to be the game's "hard" difficulty mode. I unfortunately had to win the game with roller blades if I wanted to unlock some super-secret special content. So I bravely picked a roller-blading chick and a race track.

When the race started, my character watched helplessly as the racers on bikes and skateboards took off, leaving her in a cloud of dust. Though she struggled admirably to keep up, alas, she limped into last place minutes after the others crossed the finish line. Bike riders always came in first, of course.

The best part of 3xtreme is probably the exaggerated "Ooof!" the characters emit when they crash their ride. You hear this agonized cry pretty often, since you can fall off your bike or board for numerous reasons, such as touching an opponent, scraping a wall or trying to go around a corner. After your character takes a dive, he sloooowly gets back on his feet. Sometimes I'd crash my bike, go make a phone call, and come back to find the guy still trying to climb back on.

Phat moves: WTF?

Aside from the terrible, pixelated graphics and the unfair gameplay, 3xtreme slows to a crawl anytime more than three characters share the same screen space. You can almost hear the game grunting and groaning under the stress. One time, the game slowed down so much that it nearly stopped. I thought it had frozen. If it had, I was ready to snatch it out of the PlayStation and use it for a Frisbee or drink coaster instead.

If you're really desperate to try 3xtreme, you can probably find it on eBay for under $3. With shipping. I warn you, though. 3xtreme is three times as xtreme as its predecessors. Before you buy the game, ask yourself: can I really handle that much xtremity? Even if you think you can, trust me, you don't want to try.