Barney's Hide and Seek Game

It can't get any worse than this.

When I was little, my mom complained that I played too many video games. If she had given me this game, I'd never have played another game again.

I've heard about how bad Barney: Hide and Seek was. Recently, I worked up the courage to try it. It's almost Halloween, after all, so I figured I could do with a good scare. Well, this game doesn't disappoint.

You play as the lovable purple dinosaur himself, Barney. Your one and only goal is to find five presents and five friends in each of the four levels. The levels consist of the barnyard, forest, ocean and some other place I already forgot about because it was so terrible.

Barney has no attacks, no powers, and no special abilities. When you push any button, Barney blows hearts at the nearest creature or object. He also emphasizes this heart-blowing with a frightening “Mwahh” sound.

So, you're supposed to look for kids and presents. No problem at all, because both are pretty much hidden in plain view. For a game titled “Barney's Hide and Seek,” I thought the hiding and the seeking could have been a lot better. Kids usually half-stood behind rows of corn or a bush. Most presents sat out in the open. And what was in the presents, you ask? Rubber ducks, teddy bears, and toy trucks. Not really my thing, sadly. Barney even found one box, opened it, and exclaimed, "It's a surprise!" He watched in awe as sparkles flew out of the box. I, too watched expectantly for this amazing surprise. And then...nothing. Nothing came out of the box. Barney smiled gleefully and went on his way. The sparkles were the surprise? I guess this lesson teaches kids not to get their hopes up, at least.

The creepiest part of the game is Barney's voice. Every time you find a kidnapped (err...hiding) child, Barney picks the kid up, hugs him, and cries, “Remember, I love you!” I have no words. I mean, it's just scary. The child then flees for safety, and I don't blame them.

Barney offers colorful commentary for every little thing you make him do. If you try to throw him off a cliff (I did), he holds up a stop sign and says “Let's wait until it's safe.” A smiling cloud or log then appears to transport the dinosaur to safety. Needless to say, this is upsetting. If I want to kill Barney, the game should let me.

If you end the game without collecting all ten kids and presents, Barney doesn't care. He just counts how many you do have and cheerfully says “Good job!” I wanted to end the level without finding anything at all, but I didn't have the heart to disappoint Barney like that.

Barney's enjoying this way too much.

Oh, and speaking of ending levels...I finished this game in one sitting in under 20 minutes. After the fourth level, Barney gathers his terrified little children and reminds them again that he loves them. And then the credits roll. That sucks for parents who paid $50 for this game, but for me, it was sweet relief. If you ever get hold of this game, I urge you to bury it in a landfill, much like Atari did with the Nintendo “E.T.” game. And let's never speak of this travesty again.