Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind

That grin never goes away.

Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind taught me so many things about life. Unlike most video games that give you a health meter of some kind and let you take a few hits before your untimely demise, Bubsy never disillusions kids about the consequences of their stupid actions. Bubsy teaches everyone that death by drowning, falling, or alien abduction is only a step away.

Bubsy is a bobcat, and he's apparently as hip as they come. Aliens have taken over the world, and he's on a noble quest to bash them and slaughter their queen. The instruction manual said that the aliens chose Earth for its abundant yarn supply. Why they needed the yarn, I've long since forgotten.

Bubsy may not be the best choice for an alien-fighting hero, though. This bobcat can only take a single hit from anything before he dies. If an alien blows its nose in Bubsy's general direction, he keels over as if he suddenly contracted swine flu. Touch a tack, and Bubsy deflates instantly. Dab a toe in the water, and Bubsy drowns.

Danger is everywhere, and Bubsy's only defense is jumping on foes. Unfortunately, if you don't jump on an alien just so, Bubsy dies because the game "thinks" the alien ran into you. Trust me when I say this game is not for the impatient or easily frustrated.

Before I played this game, I didn't know that bobcats could glide. Bubsy spreads his arms and legs when falling from great heights, allowing him to land softly and safely. Of course, you can never see what's too far below you. For all you know, you might be plummeting to your doom. It's fun floating down from the top of a roller coaster or tree until you glide right into a hole or bed of nails.

The music and graphics in the game are actually pretty good; it's just that Bubsy has no concept of fairness since everything can kill you. Lives are pretty hard to find, and if you lose them all (you will), you have to start the world you're in from the beginning. Of course, you can only do that if you bothered to write down the password after beating the last world's boss. And let's be honest; who does that?

As I mentioned earlier, Bubsy has a lot to teach people. Just look at him. Despite all the setbacks and fatal injuries he suffers, Bubsy always has a ridiculous grin plastered on his face. There's a cat who knows how to make lemonade out of lemons. If you made the mistake of buying Bubsy, you can use this game to teach kids how to be grateful for the awesome games they have today. At least you won't feel like you totally wasted your money.

Chuck Rock: Promoting Obesity

Isn't it funny how you don't see too many games about cavemen these days? I think Chuck Rock scared players so much that developers refused to make another caveman game again.

In Chuck Rock, you play as a half-naked, obese caveman who plays in a rock band with his wife and pet dinosaur. The game manual explains that Chuck's cave-neighbor gets jealous of his manliness and overall success at life, so he steals Chuck's wife for himself and runs away to the ends of the earth.

So, Chuck sets out on a journey to rescue her, naturally. This is the stone age, and the dinosaurs here are royally mad at you for being a human. Chuck's belly also looks like a honey-baked ham, so I'm sure that has something to do with their lust to kill him. Chuck's beer belly isn't just for looks, though. He actually uses it as a weapon to slaughter vicious velociraptors and sea monsters. Press the "Attack" button, and Chuck proudly thrusts his belly into the face of his victim as they die an agonizing, fat-smothered death. Chuck has no other attacks, but he can pick up boulders and throw them at dinosaur's heads. He can also use them as ladders and shields. I guess in a game called "Chuck Rock," I'd expect no less.

For a man as hefty as Chuck, it's surprising what can kill him. A tiny frog swam into Chuck in the water, and he died. From a frog attack. Baby birds can easily fell Chuck, too. Perhaps the worst enemy I encountered is the swooping pterodactyl. This thing "caws" at Chuck every half-second, and the caws sound like a prepubescent teen boy having a coughing fit. While I'm on the topic of sound, let's not forget Chuck's rally cry at the beginning of every level: "Unga Bunga!" Very insightful, yes?

Chuck's belly in action.

Your goal is to make it through all the levels, kill some bosses, and find your wife. Levels are all generic, including a prehistoric jungle, cave, swamp, and snowy mountain. Throughout the levels, you can pick up food to increase your score, but I never found a reason to. Maybe you get an extra life after ten million points. I picked up every chicken leg, hot dog, and ham hock I could find, and I got nothing. If you skip picking up any of these goodies, the game will last you about an hour.

I never finished Chuck Rock, but I know it all worked out okay for him in the end. That's because there is actually a sequel out there: Chuck Rock 2: Son of Chuck. So, either Chuck saved his wife and they had a kid, or Chuck gave up, went home, and found a new girlfriend (most likely).

Barney's Hide and Seek Game

It can't get any worse than this.

When I was little, my mom complained that I played too many video games. If she had given me this game, I'd never have played another game again.

I've heard about how bad Barney: Hide and Seek was. Recently, I worked up the courage to try it. It's almost Halloween, after all, so I figured I could do with a good scare. Well, this game doesn't disappoint.

You play as the lovable purple dinosaur himself, Barney. Your one and only goal is to find five presents and five friends in each of the four levels. The levels consist of the barnyard, forest, ocean and some other place I already forgot about because it was so terrible.

Barney has no attacks, no powers, and no special abilities. When you push any button, Barney blows hearts at the nearest creature or object. He also emphasizes this heart-blowing with a frightening “Mwahh” sound.

So, you're supposed to look for kids and presents. No problem at all, because both are pretty much hidden in plain view. For a game titled “Barney's Hide and Seek,” I thought the hiding and the seeking could have been a lot better. Kids usually half-stood behind rows of corn or a bush. Most presents sat out in the open. And what was in the presents, you ask? Rubber ducks, teddy bears, and toy trucks. Not really my thing, sadly. Barney even found one box, opened it, and exclaimed, "It's a surprise!" He watched in awe as sparkles flew out of the box. I, too watched expectantly for this amazing surprise. And then...nothing. Nothing came out of the box. Barney smiled gleefully and went on his way. The sparkles were the surprise? I guess this lesson teaches kids not to get their hopes up, at least.

The creepiest part of the game is Barney's voice. Every time you find a kidnapped (err...hiding) child, Barney picks the kid up, hugs him, and cries, “Remember, I love you!” I have no words. I mean, it's just scary. The child then flees for safety, and I don't blame them.

Barney offers colorful commentary for every little thing you make him do. If you try to throw him off a cliff (I did), he holds up a stop sign and says “Let's wait until it's safe.” A smiling cloud or log then appears to transport the dinosaur to safety. Needless to say, this is upsetting. If I want to kill Barney, the game should let me.

If you end the game without collecting all ten kids and presents, Barney doesn't care. He just counts how many you do have and cheerfully says “Good job!” I wanted to end the level without finding anything at all, but I didn't have the heart to disappoint Barney like that.

Barney's enjoying this way too much.

Oh, and speaking of ending levels...I finished this game in one sitting in under 20 minutes. After the fourth level, Barney gathers his terrified little children and reminds them again that he loves them. And then the credits roll. That sucks for parents who paid $50 for this game, but for me, it was sweet relief. If you ever get hold of this game, I urge you to bury it in a landfill, much like Atari did with the Nintendo “E.T.” game. And let's never speak of this travesty again.

The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare

Imagine a video game where all you ever really do is hop around trying to avoid mailboxes, bouncing basketballs, and flying saxophones. That game is The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare.

The game introduces you to Bart's plight through a 10-second video. Bart, slacker that he is, falls asleep while doing his homework. Naturally, all the pages blow out the window. Bart chases after the pages, but falls into a nightmare world where every person and inanimate object is out to kill him.

You spend the bulk of the game running around in this excuse for a hub world as you hunt for missing homework pages. Bart can only go left and right, and he never seems to leave the same city street he's on. In this hub world, getting hit by anything drains your "Z" meter. You get more "Z's" by blowing bubbles at them. Even if you manage to hit a "Z" with a bubble, it won't count unless the "Z" floats up and hits your "Z" meter. I've never seen a game make you work so hard for health. Lose all your "Z's" and it's game over.

Sadly, everything in this game hates you. On one side of the road, flying Lisa faires try to turn you into a frog. On the other side, mailboxes tackle you as you pass by. God forbid you try to cross the road, since a school bus passes by every few seconds and it WILL run you over. Eventually, you may luck out and find a homework page drifting by.

You can't just run up and collect your homework, though. Oh, no. You have to earn it. To do that, you have to jump on the floating page. This proves a challenge, since the pages usually move faster than you. If you succeed, you go to a level select screen where you pick between two colored doors. The doors take you to one of several impossible mini-games that you must beat to retrieve your homework. Let's look at the game line-up.

First, we have the Itchy and Scratchy survival game, where Bart has to hammer and shoot the famous cartoon cat and mouse before they obliterate him. This game has the worst collision detection ever. You can shoot your foes at point-blank range, but if you're not in just the right place, too bad. Itchy and Scratchy, though, have perfect aim with their flamethrowers and rocket launchers. I won this game, but I don't know how.

Next up is the Indiana Jones rip-off game. To play, you guide Bart across a series of rocks. A rock may fall beneath your feet, killing you instantly, or Satan himself may appear to pull you down to hell. I think the goal is to reach the other side of the chasm, but I could never do it. This game is rigged for you to lose.

The third game is modeled after Godzilla in Tokyo. You, as Bartzilla, can shoot fire from your mouth and lasers from your eyes. Usually, helicopters and tanks appear on-screen to take you down before you blast them. Should you make it through the first half of the stage, your next goal is to climb to the top of a building while people throw crap out their windows at you. This gets worse as Mothra herself descends to knock you down. Take too many hits, and you're dead.

Next, let's talk about Bart's superhero game. Here, you fly through the skies armed with only a slingshot. You're expected to take down dozens of flying bad guys to earn your homework. One attack knocks off one-fourth, sometimes one-half, of your health. Bosses include a drunk man on a flying, pink elephant and a biplane that you simply cannot dodge. I beat this game once by sheer luck.

Get used to seeing this screen a lot.

The final game (that I know of) lets you play as Bart in his own bloodstream. This is one weird game. All you have to do is blow up germs before they stab you to death or throw grenades at you. Some creepy little guy floats down every now and then, cheerfully saying "Hi there!" Touch the guy enough times (insert perverted joke here) to make the homework page fall down to you.

In the end, I don't know what happens if you collect all the pages, and there is no way I'm going to play this crap long enough to find out.

James Pond: Underwater Agent - Sega Genesis

Do you love James Bond, the suave secret agent who has a way with guns and women? Do you love goldfish? If so, this game is for you.

James Pond is a spy-fish, who wears a tuxedo and swims around completing top-secret missions (how...clever). He's an ugly little guy too. He looks almost like a real goldfish, with those puckered lips and beady eyes.

This fish has the worst arsenal of any secret agent I've ever seen. His only hope, against the armies of aquatic evildoers, is his deadly stream of bubbles. Not a gun, but bubbles. The idea is that you're supposed to trap your foes in a bubble, then touch the bubble to obliterate them.

While this works at first, the later levels throw dozens of respawning baddies at you at once, and they're fast. You can swim anywhere you want, but that's hardly fun when you just know that in the screen above you, you're about to be assaulted by eels and sharks from every direction. And no matter how well you play, you can only store up to four lives, which disappear quickly.

The game also fails on the general “fun” level. There's really no story. Every level, you're given some kind of mission. At first glance, they all sound different. You get to do awesome stuff like freeing lobsters from their cages and cleaning up hazardous waste barrels. This is actually just a collect-a-thon. Basically, you just look for something, and pick it up. Sometimes, you'll look for a key or a pearl, then take that item to a fish or a mermaid. Then you have the pleasure of escorting that character to safety.

Your mission: seal the leaking sewage pipe.

This is the entire game. It sounds so easy, but it's not. To make matters worse, the water you're swimming in changes colors every level, and it looks bad. On very rare occasions, the water is blue, but more often, it's brown or green or black. Why is the water a disgusting brown color? Do you even want to know?

I've never been able to beat this atrocious game, and I'm ashamed to say I've tried. I usually get to this level where some ghost fish is chasing James Pond around everywhere. Every time the ghost touches him, he takes damage. The fish can go through walls, and James Pond can't. So often, he'll end up cornered, unable to escape or do anything but die.

Basically, if you want to be a secret agent, stay on dry land. Then you won't have to suffer through this shipwreck. All this game really does is make me hungry for some lobster.

Altered Beast - Sega Genesis

I hear this game is supposed to be a classic, but really, it's just classically crappy. The premise sounds cool enough: transform into a werewolf and beat up the foes in your way.

As is often the case, it sounds better than it is. You are some unknown man, bought back from the grave by Zeus to save his former lover from a wizard. The game side-scrolls automatically, taking you along with it, and stripping away any chance for exploration.

This wouldn't be too bad if the game was fun. But it's just not. There are five levels, and they're all basically the same. Walk through the level, punching and kicking zombies and other demonic creatures. As a puny human, that's all you can do: try to smack a demon before it eats you alive, which happens a lot. Every so often, a blue dog or pig (can't tell which) leaps at you. Kill it, and power up. Kill enough of them, and you transform into a vicious monster! If only it was as good as it sounds.

Wolfman versus Demonic Pile of Crap.

In the first level, you're supposed to become a werewolf, but you just look like a big brown man with the head of a wolf. Sure, you can shoot fire and dash across the screen at super speed covered in flames, which are abilities I didn't know a werewolf had. But this makes the game essentially play itself, since everything dies in one hit. Even the boss goes down easy.

And once you beat one boss, you just move on to the next level and do the exact same thing again. Worse, as you go on, the game can't even handle all the action on-screen, and it slows down to a crawl. But don't worry, if you're playing this game, you'll probably give up well before this ever happens.