Ape Escape: Awesomely Addictive

Catching monkeys never gets old.

I know this blog is supposed to be about crappy retro games, not good ones. But I've got to take a moment to recognize Ape Escape for its ingenuity and overall greatness. GameFly is all backed up right now, so despite the dozen or so new releases that I really want to play, I'm not getting much sent to me. As a result, I've picked up Ape Escape, an old-school original PlayStation platformer.

In the game, you smash monkeys in the face with a light saber and then capture them with your trusty net. It just doesn't get better than that. The story (as if you need one) explains that a brilliant professor created some gadget called the Peak Point Helmet. A monkey at the zoo, Specter, steals the helmet, puts it on, and subsequently becomes a genius. He then frees all the other monkeys at the zoo, and, using the professor's time machine, sends them to different eras to help him rewrite history and take over the world.

You play as a kid named Spike, and never a more accurate name have I seen. His hair is so spiky that the kid looks like a hedgehog. Spike works with the brilliant professor and his snotty granddaughter, Natalie, to recover all the monkeys that Specter released. Every so often, the professor gifts you with a new gadget to make catching monkeys easier.

One of my favorite gadgets is the RC car. I can't help running over monkeys with this toy car. Shooting them with exploding bullets from my slingshot is fun, too. Later in the game, you get the spring-loaded boxing glove, which knocks monkeys absolutely senseless. Mad at someone? Smack a monkey with a boxing glove. You'll feel better; I promise. Some of the monkeys dare to challenge me with their rocket launchers and grenades, but most of them either run away slowly or simply sit there, awaiting capture.

 You get to travel across time to catch these chimps, which, of course, I've always wanted to do. Your monkey-catching adventure starts in the age of the dinosaurs. You then travel through the Ice Age, ancient China, and Medieval times. I didn't pay any attention in history class, so this game was just what I needed to catch up on geography and stuff that happened millions of years ago. I feel smarter just for playing this game.

The voice acting is so terrible in Ape Escape, but I love it. Spike's mouth keeps moving long after he stops talking. His facial expressions, as well as those of his friends, are always priceless. Spike smiles when he's talking to his mortal enemy, Specter. Natalie always looks like she wants to murder Spike. She's always complaining, "Wait for me!" or "Get me out of this cage, you useless heifer!"  I've no idea what relation she is to him, sadly. She's either his sister or his girlfriend; I've guessed that much. The professor either has no mouth, or his round nose is so big that it blocks it from view. When he introduces a new gadget or era, he talks for at least 10 minutes. It sounds like an old dude reading a book aloud when the professor talks. I think I fell asleep once while listening to him talk about his latest gadget. He did invent the time machine, so I'll give the guy a break.

The graphics are pretty bad, but it just adds to the charm. You can really only see several feet in front of you, which sucks if you're trying to plan a surprise attack on a monkey. The monkeys basically consist of 10 polygons each, but you can tell that they're monkeys, so it's okay. The music rocks for such an old game. It always fits the historical era perfectly.

This is one of the first PlayStation games that required the DualShock analog controller. Yes, once upon a time, PlayStation controllers had no analog sticks. You moved your character with the directional buttons. It sucked, let me assure you. Ape Escape ushered in a PlayStation controller revolution. You use the left analog stick to move Spike, and the right one to use your selected gadget. The other buttons let you select the gadget you want to use. It's so intuitive, it almost makes me want to weep tears of joy.

I enjoyed Ape Escape, as you can tell, and I suggest you give it a try if you have the chance. It's a relic of the past, unfortunately. I got my copy at GameStop, but those idiots have since stopped selling PSone games. Your only source for monkey-catching awesomeness is probably eBay, but it's worth it.

3xtreme

Look how xtreme these guys are.

3xtreme, apparently the third in a series of terrible racing games (the "3" in there gives it away), made its debut on the PlayStation years ago. Because the game drops the "e" from "xtreme," you just know it's going to be totally rad, right?

The disappointment begins as soon as the game does. You pick from one of several hideous characters, like some chick wearing the American flag or the "hip" dude with baggy shorts and a floppy hat. Each character gets to use one of three xtreme rides, including a skateboard, mountain bike or roller blades.

How roller blades are supposed to compete with a mountain bike, or even a skateboard, is beyond me. If you pick the roller blades, you're automatically at a disadvantage. I'm guessing they are meant to be the game's "hard" difficulty mode. I unfortunately had to win the game with roller blades if I wanted to unlock some super-secret special content. So I bravely picked a roller-blading chick and a race track.

When the race started, my character watched helplessly as the racers on bikes and skateboards took off, leaving her in a cloud of dust. Though she struggled admirably to keep up, alas, she limped into last place minutes after the others crossed the finish line. Bike riders always came in first, of course.

The best part of 3xtreme is probably the exaggerated "Ooof!" the characters emit when they crash their ride. You hear this agonized cry pretty often, since you can fall off your bike or board for numerous reasons, such as touching an opponent, scraping a wall or trying to go around a corner. After your character takes a dive, he sloooowly gets back on his feet. Sometimes I'd crash my bike, go make a phone call, and come back to find the guy still trying to climb back on.

Phat moves: WTF?

Aside from the terrible, pixelated graphics and the unfair gameplay, 3xtreme slows to a crawl anytime more than three characters share the same screen space. You can almost hear the game grunting and groaning under the stress. One time, the game slowed down so much that it nearly stopped. I thought it had frozen. If it had, I was ready to snatch it out of the PlayStation and use it for a Frisbee or drink coaster instead.

If you're really desperate to try 3xtreme, you can probably find it on eBay for under $3. With shipping. I warn you, though. 3xtreme is three times as xtreme as its predecessors. Before you buy the game, ask yourself: can I really handle that much xtremity? Even if you think you can, trust me, you don't want to try.