Chuck Rock: Promoting Obesity

Isn't it funny how you don't see too many games about cavemen these days? I think Chuck Rock scared players so much that developers refused to make another caveman game again.

In Chuck Rock, you play as a half-naked, obese caveman who plays in a rock band with his wife and pet dinosaur. The game manual explains that Chuck's cave-neighbor gets jealous of his manliness and overall success at life, so he steals Chuck's wife for himself and runs away to the ends of the earth.

So, Chuck sets out on a journey to rescue her, naturally. This is the stone age, and the dinosaurs here are royally mad at you for being a human. Chuck's belly also looks like a honey-baked ham, so I'm sure that has something to do with their lust to kill him. Chuck's beer belly isn't just for looks, though. He actually uses it as a weapon to slaughter vicious velociraptors and sea monsters. Press the "Attack" button, and Chuck proudly thrusts his belly into the face of his victim as they die an agonizing, fat-smothered death. Chuck has no other attacks, but he can pick up boulders and throw them at dinosaur's heads. He can also use them as ladders and shields. I guess in a game called "Chuck Rock," I'd expect no less.

For a man as hefty as Chuck, it's surprising what can kill him. A tiny frog swam into Chuck in the water, and he died. From a frog attack. Baby birds can easily fell Chuck, too. Perhaps the worst enemy I encountered is the swooping pterodactyl. This thing "caws" at Chuck every half-second, and the caws sound like a prepubescent teen boy having a coughing fit. While I'm on the topic of sound, let's not forget Chuck's rally cry at the beginning of every level: "Unga Bunga!" Very insightful, yes?

Chuck's belly in action.

Your goal is to make it through all the levels, kill some bosses, and find your wife. Levels are all generic, including a prehistoric jungle, cave, swamp, and snowy mountain. Throughout the levels, you can pick up food to increase your score, but I never found a reason to. Maybe you get an extra life after ten million points. I picked up every chicken leg, hot dog, and ham hock I could find, and I got nothing. If you skip picking up any of these goodies, the game will last you about an hour.

I never finished Chuck Rock, but I know it all worked out okay for him in the end. That's because there is actually a sequel out there: Chuck Rock 2: Son of Chuck. So, either Chuck saved his wife and they had a kid, or Chuck gave up, went home, and found a new girlfriend (most likely).