Bible Adventures - NES

This game must be special because it's blue.

What do you do when your kids hate Sunday School and won't go to church? Buy them Bible Adventures, of course!

Bible Adventures tries to make up for the fact that it sucks by including three games in one package. Sadly, none of them make a whole lot of sense. In the first game, you're Noah, and it's your job to gather a bunch of animals onto a huge ark before the world is washed away by a flood. The Bible must have forgotten to mention that Noah was the world's first superhero. This guy can stack cows, pigs, and horses on top of one another, then climb up trees while carrying them on his head. This would all be awesome if Noah didn't drop all his animals every time he got attacked by a lion.

David has this problem too. By David, I mean the David that kills the giant, Goliath, with a stone to the face. Admittedly, when I started playing the game, I thought it would be about David fighting this giant. But no. It was about the joys of herding wayward sheep into their pen. Every lion, squirrel and ram is out to destroy David and his sheep. If God wanted David and Noah to rescue these animals so bad, why did he make it so difficult? Maybe he was just testing their faith. I can't think of any better explanation.

So this is how Noah did it.

The one game that does something different (but far from better) is the baby Moses game. In it, you're some random Egyptian woman who's tasked with taking the baby Moses to safety before he's kidnapped by evil palace guards. Moses is little more than a burden, and he doesn't even help you fend off the guards and wild animals that are attacking you. Sure, you can throw him at your foes, but don't be surprised when all he does is bounce on the ground and go flying into the river. In fact, you might as well complete the level without him. The game doesn't seem to care.

Bible Adventures offers the poor, hapless player tips as they suffer through each of the games. Sometimes, you might pick up what you think is a tip, only it's just a random Bible verse that can't help you in any way. Parents, if you bought this game for your kids, shame on you. It's no wonder they're atheists today.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - NES

This game had me totally fooled. I seriously thought it was going to be about Freddy Kreuger, the crazy burn victim with knives for fingers who stalks misbehaving teenagers in their dreams. I mean, Freddy's even on the game's box cover, so it's only logical to think that's the star of this game. But what do you see when you enter this so-called nightmare?

Snakes, crows and giant rats. Oh, and zombies, too. Because these things absolutely make sense in a Nightmare on Elm Street game.

I think the point of the game is to collect the bones of Freddy so your character of uncertain gender can burn them, thereby destroying the monster for all eternity. Even if you somehow could accomplish this bizarre task, it wouldn't matter. Everyone knows Freddy Kreuger never dies. Never.

To be fair, Kreuger does show up to kick the crap out of you occasionally. This only happens when you get hit enough times by one the terrifying creatures or rocks that seem to mysteriously fall from the sky. When you get hit, your “sleep” meter goes up. When it fills all the way, your character is trapped in dreamland, where Freddy can find and maim you. Mostly, though, you're stuck squaring off against spooky ghosts and flying skulls. I swear, this game includes every horror cliche known to man.

Only this snake stands between you and Kreuger.

If, after the first five minutes of this nonsense, you decide to hunt for Freddy's bones anyway, good luck. You'll have to roam aimlessly through the streets, punching wild animals out of your way, to look for a house with an open door. In all honestly, the juvenile delinquent that is your character needs to stop searching for houses to break into. If he/she wanders randomly into someone else's house, well then, they deserve every giant rat bite and flying skull attack they get.

Jaws - NES

If you like games that are fun, exciting, and make some sense, by all means, do NOT play Jaws. For the most part, this game isn't even really about Jaws. You spend most of your time sailing around a small harbor, randomly smashing into things.

There's no escape? Yes, there is: turn off the Nintendo.

Apparently, you're a diver who decides to hunt for Jaws with nothing more than a sailboat and a spear gun. Your sailing is interrupted about every three seconds when your boat mysteriously hits “something.” That's what the game calls it. You never really know what you hit.

That's because as soon as you hit whatever it is, your diver decides to take a swim in the ocean and look for seashells. Yes, for some unexplainable reason, collecting conch shells helps you find Jaws. With them, you can upgrade your boat. For instance, I traded my conch shells for a useless shark detector, which never went off, even when Jaws attacked my boat.

Jaw's Power: 5,000. Diver Power: absolutely none.

And Jaws might as well be God. He's impossible to kill, seriously. I must have shot him about 50 times, and his health bar never budged. Maybe if you collect a million conch shells, you can upgrade to a rocket launcher that will blow his shark face into pieces. I sure hope so, because if not, this game literally has no point.

The game has an amazing array of enemies: a jellyfish, and an orange stingray. Get touched by either, and your diver curls up in agony and dies. Suck it up, I say. If you don't, how long do you intend to last in an epic battle with Jaws, the god-shark? Not that it matters, I suppose. Boredom is sure to kill you long before the shark does.

Elevator Action - NES

Let's be honest for a second, here: “Elevator Action” really sounds like the title of a supremely cheesy 70's adult film. When I started the game, I thought for just a moment that it might be interesting. In some way or another.

Well, unfortunately, this game is not interesting. I have found that it is impossible to make a game solely focused on elevators interesting, and there surely isn't much action to be had, either.

Apparently, you're some secret agent, sent to ride an elevator down about 50 floors in a big, blue building. Occasionally, you have to get out of the elevator and actually walk down a flight of stairs, because the elevator doesn't go down that floor. I'm trembling with excitement already, aren't you?

There is supposedly a purpose to all this intriguing gameplay. As your ride the elevator to the bottom, you have to go in the red doors, collect briefcases, and avoid getting shot by clones of guys who all wear the same black trench coat and top hat.

Just 18 floors of crap to go.

I know it sounds amazing, but it really isn't. First of all, this game looks about as bad as an Atari game, and makes about as much sense as most of them do, too. The only interesting thing you can do is squash mafia members with the elevator. If you get to the bottom without the briefcases, guess what? You're sent right back up to the top to fetch them.

I don't know if this game has more than one level, because I honestly gave up after my character fell about three feet, spun around in a circle, and died a slow, painful death. That's a bit too much Elevator Action for one day, methinks.

Back to the Future - NES

If you ever want to waste a half hour of your life, go play Back to the Future for the NES. Oh, sure, the movie was full of excitement, humor, and good old-fashioned time traveling. Not the game.

The game, if that's what you want to call it, features the suave Marty McFly as he cruises up the streets of Hill Valley. That's all you do in basically every level: walk. Basically, you have to walk through the city, collecting little alarm clocks as you go. If you don't collect clocks fast enough, you die. I guess the alarm clocks are keeping you safe until you get back to your own time, though they don't do a very good job.

Aieee! Not another trash can!

Whatever time Marty is in, it's full of constant and very real threats, such as rabid, swarming bees and women twirling hula-hoops in the middle of the road. Sometimes, the hula-hoop women even throw marbles at Marty, causing him to fall down and die.

As if that isn't bad enough, Marty can also die by simply tripping over a bench or even a curb. If you can't manage to dodge the pot holes and oil slicks in the road, and somehow fall prey to their plan to destroy you, Marty falls face-first onto the pavement, waving his fists around as if throwing a tantrum. Lose all his lives, and he'll fade away into nothingness, which is actually a good thing, believe it or not.

It's not as exciting as it looks.

If you manage to complete four levels in a row, you're “rewarded” with a mini-game, which is somehow even worse than the real game. In the first mini-game, which is as far as I got, you have to throw milkshakes at bullies to defeat them. If you miss (very likely, due to the god-awful controls), you're thrown out of the bar and have to start the game from the beginning! I give up. Screw Marty. He's not going back to the future—he's staying right where he is.

Baby Boomer - NES

As soon as you fire this game up, you know you're in for something special. On the left side of the main menu is an innocent, curious baby. On the right: a flaming barrel of dynamite.

I'm not sure what sadistic tendencies the creators of this game had, but if they tried something like this today, there would be a lawsuit for sure.

 I don't even know what to say.

In Baby Boomer, you don't control the innocent little tyke. No, it's your task to aim the cross-hairs on-screen at any peril in the baby's way, and remove it before the infant meets his doom. You may wonder why a baby is crawling away from certain death, anyway. The game explains that the baby has lost his mother (such negligence!) and it is your job to guide him back to her. Frankly, if this mother could just lose her baby in the middle of a park, maybe she doesn't deserve for him to come back. That kid would be better off crawling to the nearest adoption agency.

Watch out for that rat!

The game's box makes it very clear that this fine piece of software is “not designed, manufactured, sponsored, or endorsed by Nintendo." If that's not a warning, what is? If you do ignore all reason and play Baby Boomer anyway, you'll have to defend the baby from sewer rats that fall out of trees, jumping cockroaches and even walking skeletons.

I made it about as far as the first level, after shooting clouds to make bridges for the infant and killing attacking snakes and bugs. At the end of the level, baby approaches a menacing sign: “To Cemetery,” it says. Hey, baby's mom: child protective services is gearing up to pay you a visit! I gave up on this “game” after the baby fell into an open grave and started throwing a tantrum.

The one good thing about Baby Boomer is that everyone who originally owned a copy probably threw it away after playing it once. That means if you own your own copy, it's probably considered a rare collectible on eBay by now. Right?