Bible Adventures - NES

This game must be special because it's blue.

What do you do when your kids hate Sunday School and won't go to church? Buy them Bible Adventures, of course!

Bible Adventures tries to make up for the fact that it sucks by including three games in one package. Sadly, none of them make a whole lot of sense. In the first game, you're Noah, and it's your job to gather a bunch of animals onto a huge ark before the world is washed away by a flood. The Bible must have forgotten to mention that Noah was the world's first superhero. This guy can stack cows, pigs, and horses on top of one another, then climb up trees while carrying them on his head. This would all be awesome if Noah didn't drop all his animals every time he got attacked by a lion.

David has this problem too. By David, I mean the David that kills the giant, Goliath, with a stone to the face. Admittedly, when I started playing the game, I thought it would be about David fighting this giant. But no. It was about the joys of herding wayward sheep into their pen. Every lion, squirrel and ram is out to destroy David and his sheep. If God wanted David and Noah to rescue these animals so bad, why did he make it so difficult? Maybe he was just testing their faith. I can't think of any better explanation.

So this is how Noah did it.

The one game that does something different (but far from better) is the baby Moses game. In it, you're some random Egyptian woman who's tasked with taking the baby Moses to safety before he's kidnapped by evil palace guards. Moses is little more than a burden, and he doesn't even help you fend off the guards and wild animals that are attacking you. Sure, you can throw him at your foes, but don't be surprised when all he does is bounce on the ground and go flying into the river. In fact, you might as well complete the level without him. The game doesn't seem to care.

Bible Adventures offers the poor, hapless player tips as they suffer through each of the games. Sometimes, you might pick up what you think is a tip, only it's just a random Bible verse that can't help you in any way. Parents, if you bought this game for your kids, shame on you. It's no wonder they're atheists today.