Jaws - NES

If you like games that are fun, exciting, and make some sense, by all means, do NOT play Jaws. For the most part, this game isn't even really about Jaws. You spend most of your time sailing around a small harbor, randomly smashing into things.

There's no escape? Yes, there is: turn off the Nintendo.

Apparently, you're a diver who decides to hunt for Jaws with nothing more than a sailboat and a spear gun. Your sailing is interrupted about every three seconds when your boat mysteriously hits “something.” That's what the game calls it. You never really know what you hit.

That's because as soon as you hit whatever it is, your diver decides to take a swim in the ocean and look for seashells. Yes, for some unexplainable reason, collecting conch shells helps you find Jaws. With them, you can upgrade your boat. For instance, I traded my conch shells for a useless shark detector, which never went off, even when Jaws attacked my boat.

Jaw's Power: 5,000. Diver Power: absolutely none.

And Jaws might as well be God. He's impossible to kill, seriously. I must have shot him about 50 times, and his health bar never budged. Maybe if you collect a million conch shells, you can upgrade to a rocket launcher that will blow his shark face into pieces. I sure hope so, because if not, this game literally has no point.

The game has an amazing array of enemies: a jellyfish, and an orange stingray. Get touched by either, and your diver curls up in agony and dies. Suck it up, I say. If you don't, how long do you intend to last in an epic battle with Jaws, the god-shark? Not that it matters, I suppose. Boredom is sure to kill you long before the shark does.