Ape Escape: Awesomely Addictive

Catching monkeys never gets old.

I know this blog is supposed to be about crappy retro games, not good ones. But I've got to take a moment to recognize Ape Escape for its ingenuity and overall greatness. GameFly is all backed up right now, so despite the dozen or so new releases that I really want to play, I'm not getting much sent to me. As a result, I've picked up Ape Escape, an old-school original PlayStation platformer.

In the game, you smash monkeys in the face with a light saber and then capture them with your trusty net. It just doesn't get better than that. The story (as if you need one) explains that a brilliant professor created some gadget called the Peak Point Helmet. A monkey at the zoo, Specter, steals the helmet, puts it on, and subsequently becomes a genius. He then frees all the other monkeys at the zoo, and, using the professor's time machine, sends them to different eras to help him rewrite history and take over the world.

You play as a kid named Spike, and never a more accurate name have I seen. His hair is so spiky that the kid looks like a hedgehog. Spike works with the brilliant professor and his snotty granddaughter, Natalie, to recover all the monkeys that Specter released. Every so often, the professor gifts you with a new gadget to make catching monkeys easier.

One of my favorite gadgets is the RC car. I can't help running over monkeys with this toy car. Shooting them with exploding bullets from my slingshot is fun, too. Later in the game, you get the spring-loaded boxing glove, which knocks monkeys absolutely senseless. Mad at someone? Smack a monkey with a boxing glove. You'll feel better; I promise. Some of the monkeys dare to challenge me with their rocket launchers and grenades, but most of them either run away slowly or simply sit there, awaiting capture.

 You get to travel across time to catch these chimps, which, of course, I've always wanted to do. Your monkey-catching adventure starts in the age of the dinosaurs. You then travel through the Ice Age, ancient China, and Medieval times. I didn't pay any attention in history class, so this game was just what I needed to catch up on geography and stuff that happened millions of years ago. I feel smarter just for playing this game.

The voice acting is so terrible in Ape Escape, but I love it. Spike's mouth keeps moving long after he stops talking. His facial expressions, as well as those of his friends, are always priceless. Spike smiles when he's talking to his mortal enemy, Specter. Natalie always looks like she wants to murder Spike. She's always complaining, "Wait for me!" or "Get me out of this cage, you useless heifer!"  I've no idea what relation she is to him, sadly. She's either his sister or his girlfriend; I've guessed that much. The professor either has no mouth, or his round nose is so big that it blocks it from view. When he introduces a new gadget or era, he talks for at least 10 minutes. It sounds like an old dude reading a book aloud when the professor talks. I think I fell asleep once while listening to him talk about his latest gadget. He did invent the time machine, so I'll give the guy a break.

The graphics are pretty bad, but it just adds to the charm. You can really only see several feet in front of you, which sucks if you're trying to plan a surprise attack on a monkey. The monkeys basically consist of 10 polygons each, but you can tell that they're monkeys, so it's okay. The music rocks for such an old game. It always fits the historical era perfectly.

This is one of the first PlayStation games that required the DualShock analog controller. Yes, once upon a time, PlayStation controllers had no analog sticks. You moved your character with the directional buttons. It sucked, let me assure you. Ape Escape ushered in a PlayStation controller revolution. You use the left analog stick to move Spike, and the right one to use your selected gadget. The other buttons let you select the gadget you want to use. It's so intuitive, it almost makes me want to weep tears of joy.

I enjoyed Ape Escape, as you can tell, and I suggest you give it a try if you have the chance. It's a relic of the past, unfortunately. I got my copy at GameStop, but those idiots have since stopped selling PSone games. Your only source for monkey-catching awesomeness is probably eBay, but it's worth it.

Barney's Hide and Seek Game

It can't get any worse than this.

When I was little, my mom complained that I played too many video games. If she had given me this game, I'd never have played another game again.

I've heard about how bad Barney: Hide and Seek was. Recently, I worked up the courage to try it. It's almost Halloween, after all, so I figured I could do with a good scare. Well, this game doesn't disappoint.

You play as the lovable purple dinosaur himself, Barney. Your one and only goal is to find five presents and five friends in each of the four levels. The levels consist of the barnyard, forest, ocean and some other place I already forgot about because it was so terrible.

Barney has no attacks, no powers, and no special abilities. When you push any button, Barney blows hearts at the nearest creature or object. He also emphasizes this heart-blowing with a frightening “Mwahh” sound.

So, you're supposed to look for kids and presents. No problem at all, because both are pretty much hidden in plain view. For a game titled “Barney's Hide and Seek,” I thought the hiding and the seeking could have been a lot better. Kids usually half-stood behind rows of corn or a bush. Most presents sat out in the open. And what was in the presents, you ask? Rubber ducks, teddy bears, and toy trucks. Not really my thing, sadly. Barney even found one box, opened it, and exclaimed, "It's a surprise!" He watched in awe as sparkles flew out of the box. I, too watched expectantly for this amazing surprise. And then...nothing. Nothing came out of the box. Barney smiled gleefully and went on his way. The sparkles were the surprise? I guess this lesson teaches kids not to get their hopes up, at least.

The creepiest part of the game is Barney's voice. Every time you find a kidnapped (err...hiding) child, Barney picks the kid up, hugs him, and cries, “Remember, I love you!” I have no words. I mean, it's just scary. The child then flees for safety, and I don't blame them.

Barney offers colorful commentary for every little thing you make him do. If you try to throw him off a cliff (I did), he holds up a stop sign and says “Let's wait until it's safe.” A smiling cloud or log then appears to transport the dinosaur to safety. Needless to say, this is upsetting. If I want to kill Barney, the game should let me.

If you end the game without collecting all ten kids and presents, Barney doesn't care. He just counts how many you do have and cheerfully says “Good job!” I wanted to end the level without finding anything at all, but I didn't have the heart to disappoint Barney like that.

Barney's enjoying this way too much.

Oh, and speaking of ending levels...I finished this game in one sitting in under 20 minutes. After the fourth level, Barney gathers his terrified little children and reminds them again that he loves them. And then the credits roll. That sucks for parents who paid $50 for this game, but for me, it was sweet relief. If you ever get hold of this game, I urge you to bury it in a landfill, much like Atari did with the Nintendo “E.T.” game. And let's never speak of this travesty again.

The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare

Imagine a video game where all you ever really do is hop around trying to avoid mailboxes, bouncing basketballs, and flying saxophones. That game is The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare.

The game introduces you to Bart's plight through a 10-second video. Bart, slacker that he is, falls asleep while doing his homework. Naturally, all the pages blow out the window. Bart chases after the pages, but falls into a nightmare world where every person and inanimate object is out to kill him.

You spend the bulk of the game running around in this excuse for a hub world as you hunt for missing homework pages. Bart can only go left and right, and he never seems to leave the same city street he's on. In this hub world, getting hit by anything drains your "Z" meter. You get more "Z's" by blowing bubbles at them. Even if you manage to hit a "Z" with a bubble, it won't count unless the "Z" floats up and hits your "Z" meter. I've never seen a game make you work so hard for health. Lose all your "Z's" and it's game over.

Sadly, everything in this game hates you. On one side of the road, flying Lisa faires try to turn you into a frog. On the other side, mailboxes tackle you as you pass by. God forbid you try to cross the road, since a school bus passes by every few seconds and it WILL run you over. Eventually, you may luck out and find a homework page drifting by.

You can't just run up and collect your homework, though. Oh, no. You have to earn it. To do that, you have to jump on the floating page. This proves a challenge, since the pages usually move faster than you. If you succeed, you go to a level select screen where you pick between two colored doors. The doors take you to one of several impossible mini-games that you must beat to retrieve your homework. Let's look at the game line-up.

First, we have the Itchy and Scratchy survival game, where Bart has to hammer and shoot the famous cartoon cat and mouse before they obliterate him. This game has the worst collision detection ever. You can shoot your foes at point-blank range, but if you're not in just the right place, too bad. Itchy and Scratchy, though, have perfect aim with their flamethrowers and rocket launchers. I won this game, but I don't know how.

Next up is the Indiana Jones rip-off game. To play, you guide Bart across a series of rocks. A rock may fall beneath your feet, killing you instantly, or Satan himself may appear to pull you down to hell. I think the goal is to reach the other side of the chasm, but I could never do it. This game is rigged for you to lose.

The third game is modeled after Godzilla in Tokyo. You, as Bartzilla, can shoot fire from your mouth and lasers from your eyes. Usually, helicopters and tanks appear on-screen to take you down before you blast them. Should you make it through the first half of the stage, your next goal is to climb to the top of a building while people throw crap out their windows at you. This gets worse as Mothra herself descends to knock you down. Take too many hits, and you're dead.

Next, let's talk about Bart's superhero game. Here, you fly through the skies armed with only a slingshot. You're expected to take down dozens of flying bad guys to earn your homework. One attack knocks off one-fourth, sometimes one-half, of your health. Bosses include a drunk man on a flying, pink elephant and a biplane that you simply cannot dodge. I beat this game once by sheer luck.

Get used to seeing this screen a lot.

The final game (that I know of) lets you play as Bart in his own bloodstream. This is one weird game. All you have to do is blow up germs before they stab you to death or throw grenades at you. Some creepy little guy floats down every now and then, cheerfully saying "Hi there!" Touch the guy enough times (insert perverted joke here) to make the homework page fall down to you.

In the end, I don't know what happens if you collect all the pages, and there is no way I'm going to play this crap long enough to find out.