Bible Adventures - NES

This game must be special because it's blue.

What do you do when your kids hate Sunday School and won't go to church? Buy them Bible Adventures, of course!

Bible Adventures tries to make up for the fact that it sucks by including three games in one package. Sadly, none of them make a whole lot of sense. In the first game, you're Noah, and it's your job to gather a bunch of animals onto a huge ark before the world is washed away by a flood. The Bible must have forgotten to mention that Noah was the world's first superhero. This guy can stack cows, pigs, and horses on top of one another, then climb up trees while carrying them on his head. This would all be awesome if Noah didn't drop all his animals every time he got attacked by a lion.

David has this problem too. By David, I mean the David that kills the giant, Goliath, with a stone to the face. Admittedly, when I started playing the game, I thought it would be about David fighting this giant. But no. It was about the joys of herding wayward sheep into their pen. Every lion, squirrel and ram is out to destroy David and his sheep. If God wanted David and Noah to rescue these animals so bad, why did he make it so difficult? Maybe he was just testing their faith. I can't think of any better explanation.

So this is how Noah did it.

The one game that does something different (but far from better) is the baby Moses game. In it, you're some random Egyptian woman who's tasked with taking the baby Moses to safety before he's kidnapped by evil palace guards. Moses is little more than a burden, and he doesn't even help you fend off the guards and wild animals that are attacking you. Sure, you can throw him at your foes, but don't be surprised when all he does is bounce on the ground and go flying into the river. In fact, you might as well complete the level without him. The game doesn't seem to care.

Bible Adventures offers the poor, hapless player tips as they suffer through each of the games. Sometimes, you might pick up what you think is a tip, only it's just a random Bible verse that can't help you in any way. Parents, if you bought this game for your kids, shame on you. It's no wonder they're atheists today.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - NES

This game had me totally fooled. I seriously thought it was going to be about Freddy Kreuger, the crazy burn victim with knives for fingers who stalks misbehaving teenagers in their dreams. I mean, Freddy's even on the game's box cover, so it's only logical to think that's the star of this game. But what do you see when you enter this so-called nightmare?

Snakes, crows and giant rats. Oh, and zombies, too. Because these things absolutely make sense in a Nightmare on Elm Street game.

I think the point of the game is to collect the bones of Freddy so your character of uncertain gender can burn them, thereby destroying the monster for all eternity. Even if you somehow could accomplish this bizarre task, it wouldn't matter. Everyone knows Freddy Kreuger never dies. Never.

To be fair, Kreuger does show up to kick the crap out of you occasionally. This only happens when you get hit enough times by one the terrifying creatures or rocks that seem to mysteriously fall from the sky. When you get hit, your “sleep” meter goes up. When it fills all the way, your character is trapped in dreamland, where Freddy can find and maim you. Mostly, though, you're stuck squaring off against spooky ghosts and flying skulls. I swear, this game includes every horror cliche known to man.

Only this snake stands between you and Kreuger.

If, after the first five minutes of this nonsense, you decide to hunt for Freddy's bones anyway, good luck. You'll have to roam aimlessly through the streets, punching wild animals out of your way, to look for a house with an open door. In all honestly, the juvenile delinquent that is your character needs to stop searching for houses to break into. If he/she wanders randomly into someone else's house, well then, they deserve every giant rat bite and flying skull attack they get.

Packy and Marlon - SNES

Learning about diabetes is hip, bro.

This game starts off with a disclaimer: it can teach you about diabetes, but it won't teach you how to manage your own diabetes. And what good is a game if it can't do that?

Indeed, Packy and Marlon is actually a game designed to teach kids about the horrors of diabetes. A bunch of rats have broken into Camp Wa-Kee's supply room and stolen all the diabetes medication. Because I know the first thing rats would go for is definitely diabetes medicine. They steal food, too, and leave it scattered in the strangest places.

You play as one of two elephants, either Packy or Marlon, as the title suggests. It's your job to collect the stolen medicine and food, all while monitoring your blood glucose level and eating right every day. If you need to buy your kids a game to teach them how to eat breakfast and use their medication, I'd have to say you're a parental failure.

What really sucks the fun out of this game is the fact that it's hardly a game. You have to give your diabetic elephant insulin to keep his blood sugar up. If you defeat a level's boss with his blood sugar too high or low, you basically die and have to restart again. That'll teach kids the importance of taking their insulin real quick, I guess.

Your short and stubby elephant wanders through the level at a snail's pace, and there seems to be no way to run. Like Dumbo, he can flap his ears and glide a little, but it's useless since he only manages to jump about an inch off the floor. You can shoot your enemies with globs of water, but who knows if the game's registering the hit. I've hit enemies with one shot and they died. Then I hit the same kind of enemy with five shots, and they kept on chasing after me. Your best bet is to just try to jump over everything, but like I said, you only jump about one inch off the ground.

Hurry: gotta find the food that RODENTS stole!

During the level, you run into various animal buddies who all have important questions about diabetes for you. Answer three in a row, and get a free life. Answer wrong, and nothing happens. I thought it would be awesome if the animal friend mauled your elephant to death for answering wrong, but they just give you the right answer and disappear.

If there was more action, better graphics, better sound and pretty much better everything, this game would have actually made learning about diabetes interesting. But, hey: give your kids this game, and they'll definitely start thinking that reading and doing homework is fun.