Bible Adventures - NES

This game must be special because it's blue.

What do you do when your kids hate Sunday School and won't go to church? Buy them Bible Adventures, of course!

Bible Adventures tries to make up for the fact that it sucks by including three games in one package. Sadly, none of them make a whole lot of sense. In the first game, you're Noah, and it's your job to gather a bunch of animals onto a huge ark before the world is washed away by a flood. The Bible must have forgotten to mention that Noah was the world's first superhero. This guy can stack cows, pigs, and horses on top of one another, then climb up trees while carrying them on his head. This would all be awesome if Noah didn't drop all his animals every time he got attacked by a lion.

David has this problem too. By David, I mean the David that kills the giant, Goliath, with a stone to the face. Admittedly, when I started playing the game, I thought it would be about David fighting this giant. But no. It was about the joys of herding wayward sheep into their pen. Every lion, squirrel and ram is out to destroy David and his sheep. If God wanted David and Noah to rescue these animals so bad, why did he make it so difficult? Maybe he was just testing their faith. I can't think of any better explanation.

So this is how Noah did it.

The one game that does something different (but far from better) is the baby Moses game. In it, you're some random Egyptian woman who's tasked with taking the baby Moses to safety before he's kidnapped by evil palace guards. Moses is little more than a burden, and he doesn't even help you fend off the guards and wild animals that are attacking you. Sure, you can throw him at your foes, but don't be surprised when all he does is bounce on the ground and go flying into the river. In fact, you might as well complete the level without him. The game doesn't seem to care.

Bible Adventures offers the poor, hapless player tips as they suffer through each of the games. Sometimes, you might pick up what you think is a tip, only it's just a random Bible verse that can't help you in any way. Parents, if you bought this game for your kids, shame on you. It's no wonder they're atheists today.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - NES

This game had me totally fooled. I seriously thought it was going to be about Freddy Kreuger, the crazy burn victim with knives for fingers who stalks misbehaving teenagers in their dreams. I mean, Freddy's even on the game's box cover, so it's only logical to think that's the star of this game. But what do you see when you enter this so-called nightmare?

Snakes, crows and giant rats. Oh, and zombies, too. Because these things absolutely make sense in a Nightmare on Elm Street game.

I think the point of the game is to collect the bones of Freddy so your character of uncertain gender can burn them, thereby destroying the monster for all eternity. Even if you somehow could accomplish this bizarre task, it wouldn't matter. Everyone knows Freddy Kreuger never dies. Never.

To be fair, Kreuger does show up to kick the crap out of you occasionally. This only happens when you get hit enough times by one the terrifying creatures or rocks that seem to mysteriously fall from the sky. When you get hit, your “sleep” meter goes up. When it fills all the way, your character is trapped in dreamland, where Freddy can find and maim you. Mostly, though, you're stuck squaring off against spooky ghosts and flying skulls. I swear, this game includes every horror cliche known to man.

Only this snake stands between you and Kreuger.

If, after the first five minutes of this nonsense, you decide to hunt for Freddy's bones anyway, good luck. You'll have to roam aimlessly through the streets, punching wild animals out of your way, to look for a house with an open door. In all honestly, the juvenile delinquent that is your character needs to stop searching for houses to break into. If he/she wanders randomly into someone else's house, well then, they deserve every giant rat bite and flying skull attack they get.

Packy and Marlon - SNES

Learning about diabetes is hip, bro.

This game starts off with a disclaimer: it can teach you about diabetes, but it won't teach you how to manage your own diabetes. And what good is a game if it can't do that?

Indeed, Packy and Marlon is actually a game designed to teach kids about the horrors of diabetes. A bunch of rats have broken into Camp Wa-Kee's supply room and stolen all the diabetes medication. Because I know the first thing rats would go for is definitely diabetes medicine. They steal food, too, and leave it scattered in the strangest places.

You play as one of two elephants, either Packy or Marlon, as the title suggests. It's your job to collect the stolen medicine and food, all while monitoring your blood glucose level and eating right every day. If you need to buy your kids a game to teach them how to eat breakfast and use their medication, I'd have to say you're a parental failure.

What really sucks the fun out of this game is the fact that it's hardly a game. You have to give your diabetic elephant insulin to keep his blood sugar up. If you defeat a level's boss with his blood sugar too high or low, you basically die and have to restart again. That'll teach kids the importance of taking their insulin real quick, I guess.

Your short and stubby elephant wanders through the level at a snail's pace, and there seems to be no way to run. Like Dumbo, he can flap his ears and glide a little, but it's useless since he only manages to jump about an inch off the floor. You can shoot your enemies with globs of water, but who knows if the game's registering the hit. I've hit enemies with one shot and they died. Then I hit the same kind of enemy with five shots, and they kept on chasing after me. Your best bet is to just try to jump over everything, but like I said, you only jump about one inch off the ground.

Hurry: gotta find the food that RODENTS stole!

During the level, you run into various animal buddies who all have important questions about diabetes for you. Answer three in a row, and get a free life. Answer wrong, and nothing happens. I thought it would be awesome if the animal friend mauled your elephant to death for answering wrong, but they just give you the right answer and disappear.

If there was more action, better graphics, better sound and pretty much better everything, this game would have actually made learning about diabetes interesting. But, hey: give your kids this game, and they'll definitely start thinking that reading and doing homework is fun.

Home Improvement - SNES

It's Tool Time!

Back in the day, Home Improvement was once a popular show. It featured Tim Allen as Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, who, with his buddies, hosted a TV show about powering up pretty much any machine they could. Throughout the show, Tim would periodically make grunting noises and act like a neanderthal. I can see the premise for this game already, can't you?

Yes, someone thought to make Home Improvement into a game. God help us all. The story goes that you, Tim, and your Tool Time crew, are about to unveil some super awesome new tools from the Binford Company. Only when Tim goes backstage to bring them out, he finds they've been stolen! Oh no!

Fortunately for Tim, a note was left behind telling him to “go back to the stone age.” Bright guy that he is, Tim figures that the tools were taken to some recording studio where a show about dinosaurs is being filmed. His lazy friends decide to stay behind and guard the Tool Time studio while Tim goes to get attacked by vicious dinosaurs.

I'm totally gonna kill this raptor with my staple gun.

Tim's main weapon is a staple gun, which isn't the most accurate thing in the world. He can pick up other weapons, too, but they all equally suck. As you roam around the level, you're supposed to gather the tool crates that are scattered around the place. After falling off a ledge because Tim couldn't stop running in time, I wondered why Binford doesn't just make a new set of tools. You're telling me these are the only ones in the world, and the blueprints have been destroyed?

Anyway, I'm not sure who the tool thief turned out to be, because there are no continues in this game, and I guess I'm just not savvy enough to handle “The Tool Man.” If you see a copy of this game somewhere, I suggest using it as a doorstop instead of playing it. I like to think that Tim, full of creative and ingenious ideas himself, would want it that way.

Jaws - NES

If you like games that are fun, exciting, and make some sense, by all means, do NOT play Jaws. For the most part, this game isn't even really about Jaws. You spend most of your time sailing around a small harbor, randomly smashing into things.

There's no escape? Yes, there is: turn off the Nintendo.

Apparently, you're a diver who decides to hunt for Jaws with nothing more than a sailboat and a spear gun. Your sailing is interrupted about every three seconds when your boat mysteriously hits “something.” That's what the game calls it. You never really know what you hit.

That's because as soon as you hit whatever it is, your diver decides to take a swim in the ocean and look for seashells. Yes, for some unexplainable reason, collecting conch shells helps you find Jaws. With them, you can upgrade your boat. For instance, I traded my conch shells for a useless shark detector, which never went off, even when Jaws attacked my boat.

Jaw's Power: 5,000. Diver Power: absolutely none.

And Jaws might as well be God. He's impossible to kill, seriously. I must have shot him about 50 times, and his health bar never budged. Maybe if you collect a million conch shells, you can upgrade to a rocket launcher that will blow his shark face into pieces. I sure hope so, because if not, this game literally has no point.

The game has an amazing array of enemies: a jellyfish, and an orange stingray. Get touched by either, and your diver curls up in agony and dies. Suck it up, I say. If you don't, how long do you intend to last in an epic battle with Jaws, the god-shark? Not that it matters, I suppose. Boredom is sure to kill you long before the shark does.

James Pond: Underwater Agent - Sega Genesis

Do you love James Bond, the suave secret agent who has a way with guns and women? Do you love goldfish? If so, this game is for you.

James Pond is a spy-fish, who wears a tuxedo and swims around completing top-secret missions (how...clever). He's an ugly little guy too. He looks almost like a real goldfish, with those puckered lips and beady eyes.

This fish has the worst arsenal of any secret agent I've ever seen. His only hope, against the armies of aquatic evildoers, is his deadly stream of bubbles. Not a gun, but bubbles. The idea is that you're supposed to trap your foes in a bubble, then touch the bubble to obliterate them.

While this works at first, the later levels throw dozens of respawning baddies at you at once, and they're fast. You can swim anywhere you want, but that's hardly fun when you just know that in the screen above you, you're about to be assaulted by eels and sharks from every direction. And no matter how well you play, you can only store up to four lives, which disappear quickly.

The game also fails on the general “fun” level. There's really no story. Every level, you're given some kind of mission. At first glance, they all sound different. You get to do awesome stuff like freeing lobsters from their cages and cleaning up hazardous waste barrels. This is actually just a collect-a-thon. Basically, you just look for something, and pick it up. Sometimes, you'll look for a key or a pearl, then take that item to a fish or a mermaid. Then you have the pleasure of escorting that character to safety.

Your mission: seal the leaking sewage pipe.

This is the entire game. It sounds so easy, but it's not. To make matters worse, the water you're swimming in changes colors every level, and it looks bad. On very rare occasions, the water is blue, but more often, it's brown or green or black. Why is the water a disgusting brown color? Do you even want to know?

I've never been able to beat this atrocious game, and I'm ashamed to say I've tried. I usually get to this level where some ghost fish is chasing James Pond around everywhere. Every time the ghost touches him, he takes damage. The fish can go through walls, and James Pond can't. So often, he'll end up cornered, unable to escape or do anything but die.

Basically, if you want to be a secret agent, stay on dry land. Then you won't have to suffer through this shipwreck. All this game really does is make me hungry for some lobster.

Altered Beast - Sega Genesis

I hear this game is supposed to be a classic, but really, it's just classically crappy. The premise sounds cool enough: transform into a werewolf and beat up the foes in your way.

As is often the case, it sounds better than it is. You are some unknown man, bought back from the grave by Zeus to save his former lover from a wizard. The game side-scrolls automatically, taking you along with it, and stripping away any chance for exploration.

This wouldn't be too bad if the game was fun. But it's just not. There are five levels, and they're all basically the same. Walk through the level, punching and kicking zombies and other demonic creatures. As a puny human, that's all you can do: try to smack a demon before it eats you alive, which happens a lot. Every so often, a blue dog or pig (can't tell which) leaps at you. Kill it, and power up. Kill enough of them, and you transform into a vicious monster! If only it was as good as it sounds.

Wolfman versus Demonic Pile of Crap.

In the first level, you're supposed to become a werewolf, but you just look like a big brown man with the head of a wolf. Sure, you can shoot fire and dash across the screen at super speed covered in flames, which are abilities I didn't know a werewolf had. But this makes the game essentially play itself, since everything dies in one hit. Even the boss goes down easy.

And once you beat one boss, you just move on to the next level and do the exact same thing again. Worse, as you go on, the game can't even handle all the action on-screen, and it slows down to a crawl. But don't worry, if you're playing this game, you'll probably give up well before this ever happens.

AAAHH!!! Real Monsters - SNES

The title of this game really should be “AAAHH!!! Real Garbage,” since that's pretty much what this game is. I fortunately don't remember much about the old Nickelodeon cartoon, but I do know it was about three ugly looking monsters that went around scaring people.

The developers of the game did a good job scaring me, at least, because it's difficult to describe the fear that you get when you realize you've just wasted 10 minutes of your life playing it. You get to control all three of the monsters: a short and stubby red thing with bunny ears, a fat, hairy midget who can throw his eyeballs at stuff, and some kind of black and white candy cane creature with ginormous red lips.

You would think that with three playable monsters in the game, it had to be at least somewhat fun, but no. Each monster attacks in exactly the same way, by throwing garbage at enemies. Enemies, by the way, like rats, bats and pit bulls. If these are monsters, why don't they just eat these helpless creatures and be on their way? Oh, wait, they're monsters-in-training, I forgot.

This really is a nightmare.

The monsters are on some kind of scavenger hunt for school in every single level, in which they must prove their worth by collecting a sneaker. To do so, they'll need to make use of their astounding monster powers. Two of the powers involve either making the monsters stand on top of each other or flinging them across pits. The final power lets you throw midget monster's eyeball, letting you get a look at the nightmare around you.

Sure, you might get through the first level in the dump, and collect that sneaker in the process. But when your teacher just tells you to basically go do the same thing again, only in another dump, it's then time to rip the game out of your Super Nintendo, burn it, and find something not crappy to play.

Dennis the Menace - SNES

If you've ever gone on a scavenger hunt to collect a bunch of useless, hidden items, then didn't get rewarded for your efforts, don't even bother playing “Dennis the Menace.” You've done this all before.

How do I get out of this house?

The game, loosely based on the characters from the crappy movie, is all about gathering four large gold coins in every level, then trying desperately to find the exit before getting mauled by a purple cat or a pigeon. Sure, you can collect some little gold coins, too, but they're worthless. There's nothing to buy, you don't earn a life when you collecting 100 of them, nothing.

So, Dennis goes off on an epic quest to gather these coins, while putting himself in extreme peril. In the first level, for example, he scrounges through Mr. Wilson's house, which is infested with endlessly respawning purple cats, mice, and possessed dishes. If Dennis walks too far to the end of house, Mr. Wilson chases him and throws him out. Mr. Wilson should mind his own business and go call an exterminator, as well as an exorcist, if you ask me.

Later levels have Dennis traipsing through a park in the middle of the night, then into a boiler room, all in an effort to find those gold coins. And that kid needs all the luck he can get. He's equipped with an utterly useless water pistol, a slow shooting sling shot, and a pea shooter. And you have to find the pea shooter before using it, so good luck with that.

Once Dennis gets attacked by enough wild animals, his courage meter empties, and it's back to the beginning of the level for you. No checkpoints, of course, because obviously you love coin collecting so much, that you want to do it over and over again, right? Lose all your lives, and it's game over. You don't get any continues, and there's no password feature. It's like Ocean, the company who made this trash, is laughing in your face at your failure. This means that they expect you to play this awful game for hours until you beat it, with no breaks whatsoever.

I've got news for you, Ocean: I do believe that's torture, and last I checked, torture is illegal in this country. Expect a call from my lawyers. I know once they play this game, it'll be lawsuit time.

Barbie Vacation Adventure - SNES

What could little girls possibly love more than Barbie? I mean, look at her sparkling personality and impressive intelligence. Or not. The fact is, this game is about Barbie taking a vacation around the country. I can't think of anything more exciting!

Before you take Barbie out on her vacation, you have the privilege of dressing her up. All you can really do is change the color of her skimpy outfit. Let's see. Do I want to dress Barbie in the hot pink mini skirt, or the green one? Choices, choices.

You can take Barbie to a few different states, doing boring things in every single one. My favorite had to be the camping trip in Wyoming. Barbie's got to hop across some tree stumps to get to the other side of a pond. If you fall off the stumps, which is a given, Barbie lands in some ankle deep water and starts complaining about how she needs to go back and dry off. Way to teach girls how to be all spoiled and high-maintenance, Barbie.

Next, Barbie heads to Iowa to attend a carnival run by hicks. As soon as you enter, you run into a pig, which proceeds to follow you. Barbie says, “Now I can play the carnival games!” Why the pig is a requirement to play a game, I'll never know. She should have turned the pig into a ham sandwich and went home, 'cause these carnival games suck.

Where are my %*$* presents?!

If Barbie does go home, she finds out her studly boyfriend, Ken, has thrown her a surprise party and hidden all of her presents around the house. You'll spend time in a mansion where everything is pink, looking for these crappy presents. If you find one, you'll have to guess what it is. There's not a penalty for guessing wrong, so what's the point?

I could go on about the rest of Barbie's vacation, but I really can't take anymore. All this pink is making my eyes bleed.

Elevator Action - NES

Let's be honest for a second, here: “Elevator Action” really sounds like the title of a supremely cheesy 70's adult film. When I started the game, I thought for just a moment that it might be interesting. In some way or another.

Well, unfortunately, this game is not interesting. I have found that it is impossible to make a game solely focused on elevators interesting, and there surely isn't much action to be had, either.

Apparently, you're some secret agent, sent to ride an elevator down about 50 floors in a big, blue building. Occasionally, you have to get out of the elevator and actually walk down a flight of stairs, because the elevator doesn't go down that floor. I'm trembling with excitement already, aren't you?

There is supposedly a purpose to all this intriguing gameplay. As your ride the elevator to the bottom, you have to go in the red doors, collect briefcases, and avoid getting shot by clones of guys who all wear the same black trench coat and top hat.

Just 18 floors of crap to go.

I know it sounds amazing, but it really isn't. First of all, this game looks about as bad as an Atari game, and makes about as much sense as most of them do, too. The only interesting thing you can do is squash mafia members with the elevator. If you get to the bottom without the briefcases, guess what? You're sent right back up to the top to fetch them.

I don't know if this game has more than one level, because I honestly gave up after my character fell about three feet, spun around in a circle, and died a slow, painful death. That's a bit too much Elevator Action for one day, methinks.

Back to the Future - NES

If you ever want to waste a half hour of your life, go play Back to the Future for the NES. Oh, sure, the movie was full of excitement, humor, and good old-fashioned time traveling. Not the game.

The game, if that's what you want to call it, features the suave Marty McFly as he cruises up the streets of Hill Valley. That's all you do in basically every level: walk. Basically, you have to walk through the city, collecting little alarm clocks as you go. If you don't collect clocks fast enough, you die. I guess the alarm clocks are keeping you safe until you get back to your own time, though they don't do a very good job.

Aieee! Not another trash can!

Whatever time Marty is in, it's full of constant and very real threats, such as rabid, swarming bees and women twirling hula-hoops in the middle of the road. Sometimes, the hula-hoop women even throw marbles at Marty, causing him to fall down and die.

As if that isn't bad enough, Marty can also die by simply tripping over a bench or even a curb. If you can't manage to dodge the pot holes and oil slicks in the road, and somehow fall prey to their plan to destroy you, Marty falls face-first onto the pavement, waving his fists around as if throwing a tantrum. Lose all his lives, and he'll fade away into nothingness, which is actually a good thing, believe it or not.

It's not as exciting as it looks.

If you manage to complete four levels in a row, you're “rewarded” with a mini-game, which is somehow even worse than the real game. In the first mini-game, which is as far as I got, you have to throw milkshakes at bullies to defeat them. If you miss (very likely, due to the god-awful controls), you're thrown out of the bar and have to start the game from the beginning! I give up. Screw Marty. He's not going back to the future—he's staying right where he is.

Baby Boomer - NES

As soon as you fire this game up, you know you're in for something special. On the left side of the main menu is an innocent, curious baby. On the right: a flaming barrel of dynamite.

I'm not sure what sadistic tendencies the creators of this game had, but if they tried something like this today, there would be a lawsuit for sure.

 I don't even know what to say.

In Baby Boomer, you don't control the innocent little tyke. No, it's your task to aim the cross-hairs on-screen at any peril in the baby's way, and remove it before the infant meets his doom. You may wonder why a baby is crawling away from certain death, anyway. The game explains that the baby has lost his mother (such negligence!) and it is your job to guide him back to her. Frankly, if this mother could just lose her baby in the middle of a park, maybe she doesn't deserve for him to come back. That kid would be better off crawling to the nearest adoption agency.

Watch out for that rat!

The game's box makes it very clear that this fine piece of software is “not designed, manufactured, sponsored, or endorsed by Nintendo." If that's not a warning, what is? If you do ignore all reason and play Baby Boomer anyway, you'll have to defend the baby from sewer rats that fall out of trees, jumping cockroaches and even walking skeletons.

I made it about as far as the first level, after shooting clouds to make bridges for the infant and killing attacking snakes and bugs. At the end of the level, baby approaches a menacing sign: “To Cemetery,” it says. Hey, baby's mom: child protective services is gearing up to pay you a visit! I gave up on this “game” after the baby fell into an open grave and started throwing a tantrum.

The one good thing about Baby Boomer is that everyone who originally owned a copy probably threw it away after playing it once. That means if you own your own copy, it's probably considered a rare collectible on eBay by now. Right?