Confession: I Once Thought Morrowind Sucked

Morrowind: Not exactly love at first sight.

With the recent release of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, I've been thinking back to the olden days of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. I love The Elder Scrolls now. It's one of my favorite series for the sheer amount of things you can do. But years ago, I played Morrowind for the first time on the original Xbox.

And I hated it.

I was probably about 13 or 14 at the time. Most of my gaming experience had been with action, adventure and survival-horror titles. The first RPG I ever played was the amazing Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. I adore that game. It set the bar for all other RPGs I played after it.

So, you can imagine the confusion I felt when I played Morrowind. I thought creating my own character was cool. I liked pilfering items from houses in the town where the game begins. But after that, I had no idea where to go. I wasn't big on listening to what people told me to do, or reading quest instructions in the journal, I guess.

By chance, I found my way to Balmora, the first major city of the game. When I arrived, I couldn't believe the  size of everything. Buildings were spread out as far as I could see. Where was I supposed to go? I finally checked my journal. It told me to visit some guy and join the Blades, I think. Well, that was nice to know. But where was this guy I was supposed to visit? Was I supposed to just wander around town until I found him?

The game basically forces you to explore everywhere. That freaked me out. I was so used to hand-holding and linear levels in games. Morrowind restricted nothing at all. If I wanted to leave the city right away and explore the world on foot, I could. I could also inadvertently enter some random person's house and accidentally kill a character central to the main storyline, thus requiring me to reload an old save or never beat the game. This happened, by the way. I lost about three hours of progress. It was awful.

Anyway, at first, I never found that guy or joined the Blades. I was so lost and confused that I left the safety of Balmora and headed into the wilderness with nothing but a crappy iron sword and some fur armor. I was very quickly killed by a persistent cliff racer, some pterodactyl-type bird that made a an annoying squawking noise to announce its presence.

That was enough for me. This game was just too much. I hated the openness and uncertainty. So, I regrettably returned it to the store.

Years later, I found Morrowind for sale for about $5 in a bookstore. At that point, I guess my gaming tastes had matured a bit. And so I gave it another shot. I'm so glad I did.

This time, the freedom amazed me. I fell in with the thieves guild almost immediately, and I loved picking locks and stealing stuff as I climbed the ranks to master thief. I joined the mages guild, where I promptly learned how to fry those cliff racers with fireballs. The fighter's guild taught me how to swing a sword. I traveled the land and became powerful and wealthy.

The lore and history within The Elder Scrolls series is so detailed, it almost seems real. I'd sit and spend hours reading the books scattered throughout Morrowind. I still do this now, in Skyrim.

In the end, Morrowind does indeed have its flaws. Glitches that can break the game, for example. Or a skewed level-up system. Nonetheless, I love it, and I always will.

Now I'm playing Skyrim, and its beauty astounds me. I know I'll be spending over 100 hours here, maybe more, simply exploring the world, doing quests, and chatting with the locals. I really owe this all to Morrowind. I hated it at first, but it changed the way I look at RPGs.

So, thank you, Morrowind. I promise I'll be back to visit again someday.

Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind

That grin never goes away.

Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind taught me so many things about life. Unlike most video games that give you a health meter of some kind and let you take a few hits before your untimely demise, Bubsy never disillusions kids about the consequences of their stupid actions. Bubsy teaches everyone that death by drowning, falling, or alien abduction is only a step away.

Bubsy is a bobcat, and he's apparently as hip as they come. Aliens have taken over the world, and he's on a noble quest to bash them and slaughter their queen. The instruction manual said that the aliens chose Earth for its abundant yarn supply. Why they needed the yarn, I've long since forgotten.

Bubsy may not be the best choice for an alien-fighting hero, though. This bobcat can only take a single hit from anything before he dies. If an alien blows its nose in Bubsy's general direction, he keels over as if he suddenly contracted swine flu. Touch a tack, and Bubsy deflates instantly. Dab a toe in the water, and Bubsy drowns.

Danger is everywhere, and Bubsy's only defense is jumping on foes. Unfortunately, if you don't jump on an alien just so, Bubsy dies because the game "thinks" the alien ran into you. Trust me when I say this game is not for the impatient or easily frustrated.

Before I played this game, I didn't know that bobcats could glide. Bubsy spreads his arms and legs when falling from great heights, allowing him to land softly and safely. Of course, you can never see what's too far below you. For all you know, you might be plummeting to your doom. It's fun floating down from the top of a roller coaster or tree until you glide right into a hole or bed of nails.

The music and graphics in the game are actually pretty good; it's just that Bubsy has no concept of fairness since everything can kill you. Lives are pretty hard to find, and if you lose them all (you will), you have to start the world you're in from the beginning. Of course, you can only do that if you bothered to write down the password after beating the last world's boss. And let's be honest; who does that?

As I mentioned earlier, Bubsy has a lot to teach people. Just look at him. Despite all the setbacks and fatal injuries he suffers, Bubsy always has a ridiculous grin plastered on his face. There's a cat who knows how to make lemonade out of lemons. If you made the mistake of buying Bubsy, you can use this game to teach kids how to be grateful for the awesome games they have today. At least you won't feel like you totally wasted your money.

Chuck Rock: Promoting Obesity

Isn't it funny how you don't see too many games about cavemen these days? I think Chuck Rock scared players so much that developers refused to make another caveman game again.

In Chuck Rock, you play as a half-naked, obese caveman who plays in a rock band with his wife and pet dinosaur. The game manual explains that Chuck's cave-neighbor gets jealous of his manliness and overall success at life, so he steals Chuck's wife for himself and runs away to the ends of the earth.

So, Chuck sets out on a journey to rescue her, naturally. This is the stone age, and the dinosaurs here are royally mad at you for being a human. Chuck's belly also looks like a honey-baked ham, so I'm sure that has something to do with their lust to kill him. Chuck's beer belly isn't just for looks, though. He actually uses it as a weapon to slaughter vicious velociraptors and sea monsters. Press the "Attack" button, and Chuck proudly thrusts his belly into the face of his victim as they die an agonizing, fat-smothered death. Chuck has no other attacks, but he can pick up boulders and throw them at dinosaur's heads. He can also use them as ladders and shields. I guess in a game called "Chuck Rock," I'd expect no less.

For a man as hefty as Chuck, it's surprising what can kill him. A tiny frog swam into Chuck in the water, and he died. From a frog attack. Baby birds can easily fell Chuck, too. Perhaps the worst enemy I encountered is the swooping pterodactyl. This thing "caws" at Chuck every half-second, and the caws sound like a prepubescent teen boy having a coughing fit. While I'm on the topic of sound, let's not forget Chuck's rally cry at the beginning of every level: "Unga Bunga!" Very insightful, yes?

Chuck's belly in action.

Your goal is to make it through all the levels, kill some bosses, and find your wife. Levels are all generic, including a prehistoric jungle, cave, swamp, and snowy mountain. Throughout the levels, you can pick up food to increase your score, but I never found a reason to. Maybe you get an extra life after ten million points. I picked up every chicken leg, hot dog, and ham hock I could find, and I got nothing. If you skip picking up any of these goodies, the game will last you about an hour.

I never finished Chuck Rock, but I know it all worked out okay for him in the end. That's because there is actually a sequel out there: Chuck Rock 2: Son of Chuck. So, either Chuck saved his wife and they had a kid, or Chuck gave up, went home, and found a new girlfriend (most likely).

Ape Escape: Awesomely Addictive

Catching monkeys never gets old.

I know this blog is supposed to be about crappy retro games, not good ones. But I've got to take a moment to recognize Ape Escape for its ingenuity and overall greatness. GameFly is all backed up right now, so despite the dozen or so new releases that I really want to play, I'm not getting much sent to me. As a result, I've picked up Ape Escape, an old-school original PlayStation platformer.

In the game, you smash monkeys in the face with a light saber and then capture them with your trusty net. It just doesn't get better than that. The story (as if you need one) explains that a brilliant professor created some gadget called the Peak Point Helmet. A monkey at the zoo, Specter, steals the helmet, puts it on, and subsequently becomes a genius. He then frees all the other monkeys at the zoo, and, using the professor's time machine, sends them to different eras to help him rewrite history and take over the world.

You play as a kid named Spike, and never a more accurate name have I seen. His hair is so spiky that the kid looks like a hedgehog. Spike works with the brilliant professor and his snotty granddaughter, Natalie, to recover all the monkeys that Specter released. Every so often, the professor gifts you with a new gadget to make catching monkeys easier.

One of my favorite gadgets is the RC car. I can't help running over monkeys with this toy car. Shooting them with exploding bullets from my slingshot is fun, too. Later in the game, you get the spring-loaded boxing glove, which knocks monkeys absolutely senseless. Mad at someone? Smack a monkey with a boxing glove. You'll feel better; I promise. Some of the monkeys dare to challenge me with their rocket launchers and grenades, but most of them either run away slowly or simply sit there, awaiting capture.

 You get to travel across time to catch these chimps, which, of course, I've always wanted to do. Your monkey-catching adventure starts in the age of the dinosaurs. You then travel through the Ice Age, ancient China, and Medieval times. I didn't pay any attention in history class, so this game was just what I needed to catch up on geography and stuff that happened millions of years ago. I feel smarter just for playing this game.

The voice acting is so terrible in Ape Escape, but I love it. Spike's mouth keeps moving long after he stops talking. His facial expressions, as well as those of his friends, are always priceless. Spike smiles when he's talking to his mortal enemy, Specter. Natalie always looks like she wants to murder Spike. She's always complaining, "Wait for me!" or "Get me out of this cage, you useless heifer!"  I've no idea what relation she is to him, sadly. She's either his sister or his girlfriend; I've guessed that much. The professor either has no mouth, or his round nose is so big that it blocks it from view. When he introduces a new gadget or era, he talks for at least 10 minutes. It sounds like an old dude reading a book aloud when the professor talks. I think I fell asleep once while listening to him talk about his latest gadget. He did invent the time machine, so I'll give the guy a break.

The graphics are pretty bad, but it just adds to the charm. You can really only see several feet in front of you, which sucks if you're trying to plan a surprise attack on a monkey. The monkeys basically consist of 10 polygons each, but you can tell that they're monkeys, so it's okay. The music rocks for such an old game. It always fits the historical era perfectly.

This is one of the first PlayStation games that required the DualShock analog controller. Yes, once upon a time, PlayStation controllers had no analog sticks. You moved your character with the directional buttons. It sucked, let me assure you. Ape Escape ushered in a PlayStation controller revolution. You use the left analog stick to move Spike, and the right one to use your selected gadget. The other buttons let you select the gadget you want to use. It's so intuitive, it almost makes me want to weep tears of joy.

I enjoyed Ape Escape, as you can tell, and I suggest you give it a try if you have the chance. It's a relic of the past, unfortunately. I got my copy at GameStop, but those idiots have since stopped selling PSone games. Your only source for monkey-catching awesomeness is probably eBay, but it's worth it.

Barney's Hide and Seek Game

It can't get any worse than this.

When I was little, my mom complained that I played too many video games. If she had given me this game, I'd never have played another game again.

I've heard about how bad Barney: Hide and Seek was. Recently, I worked up the courage to try it. It's almost Halloween, after all, so I figured I could do with a good scare. Well, this game doesn't disappoint.

You play as the lovable purple dinosaur himself, Barney. Your one and only goal is to find five presents and five friends in each of the four levels. The levels consist of the barnyard, forest, ocean and some other place I already forgot about because it was so terrible.

Barney has no attacks, no powers, and no special abilities. When you push any button, Barney blows hearts at the nearest creature or object. He also emphasizes this heart-blowing with a frightening “Mwahh” sound.

So, you're supposed to look for kids and presents. No problem at all, because both are pretty much hidden in plain view. For a game titled “Barney's Hide and Seek,” I thought the hiding and the seeking could have been a lot better. Kids usually half-stood behind rows of corn or a bush. Most presents sat out in the open. And what was in the presents, you ask? Rubber ducks, teddy bears, and toy trucks. Not really my thing, sadly. Barney even found one box, opened it, and exclaimed, "It's a surprise!" He watched in awe as sparkles flew out of the box. I, too watched expectantly for this amazing surprise. And then...nothing. Nothing came out of the box. Barney smiled gleefully and went on his way. The sparkles were the surprise? I guess this lesson teaches kids not to get their hopes up, at least.

The creepiest part of the game is Barney's voice. Every time you find a kidnapped (err...hiding) child, Barney picks the kid up, hugs him, and cries, “Remember, I love you!” I have no words. I mean, it's just scary. The child then flees for safety, and I don't blame them.

Barney offers colorful commentary for every little thing you make him do. If you try to throw him off a cliff (I did), he holds up a stop sign and says “Let's wait until it's safe.” A smiling cloud or log then appears to transport the dinosaur to safety. Needless to say, this is upsetting. If I want to kill Barney, the game should let me.

If you end the game without collecting all ten kids and presents, Barney doesn't care. He just counts how many you do have and cheerfully says “Good job!” I wanted to end the level without finding anything at all, but I didn't have the heart to disappoint Barney like that.

Barney's enjoying this way too much.

Oh, and speaking of ending levels...I finished this game in one sitting in under 20 minutes. After the fourth level, Barney gathers his terrified little children and reminds them again that he loves them. And then the credits roll. That sucks for parents who paid $50 for this game, but for me, it was sweet relief. If you ever get hold of this game, I urge you to bury it in a landfill, much like Atari did with the Nintendo “E.T.” game. And let's never speak of this travesty again.

The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare

Imagine a video game where all you ever really do is hop around trying to avoid mailboxes, bouncing basketballs, and flying saxophones. That game is The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare.

The game introduces you to Bart's plight through a 10-second video. Bart, slacker that he is, falls asleep while doing his homework. Naturally, all the pages blow out the window. Bart chases after the pages, but falls into a nightmare world where every person and inanimate object is out to kill him.

You spend the bulk of the game running around in this excuse for a hub world as you hunt for missing homework pages. Bart can only go left and right, and he never seems to leave the same city street he's on. In this hub world, getting hit by anything drains your "Z" meter. You get more "Z's" by blowing bubbles at them. Even if you manage to hit a "Z" with a bubble, it won't count unless the "Z" floats up and hits your "Z" meter. I've never seen a game make you work so hard for health. Lose all your "Z's" and it's game over.

Sadly, everything in this game hates you. On one side of the road, flying Lisa faires try to turn you into a frog. On the other side, mailboxes tackle you as you pass by. God forbid you try to cross the road, since a school bus passes by every few seconds and it WILL run you over. Eventually, you may luck out and find a homework page drifting by.

You can't just run up and collect your homework, though. Oh, no. You have to earn it. To do that, you have to jump on the floating page. This proves a challenge, since the pages usually move faster than you. If you succeed, you go to a level select screen where you pick between two colored doors. The doors take you to one of several impossible mini-games that you must beat to retrieve your homework. Let's look at the game line-up.

First, we have the Itchy and Scratchy survival game, where Bart has to hammer and shoot the famous cartoon cat and mouse before they obliterate him. This game has the worst collision detection ever. You can shoot your foes at point-blank range, but if you're not in just the right place, too bad. Itchy and Scratchy, though, have perfect aim with their flamethrowers and rocket launchers. I won this game, but I don't know how.

Next up is the Indiana Jones rip-off game. To play, you guide Bart across a series of rocks. A rock may fall beneath your feet, killing you instantly, or Satan himself may appear to pull you down to hell. I think the goal is to reach the other side of the chasm, but I could never do it. This game is rigged for you to lose.

The third game is modeled after Godzilla in Tokyo. You, as Bartzilla, can shoot fire from your mouth and lasers from your eyes. Usually, helicopters and tanks appear on-screen to take you down before you blast them. Should you make it through the first half of the stage, your next goal is to climb to the top of a building while people throw crap out their windows at you. This gets worse as Mothra herself descends to knock you down. Take too many hits, and you're dead.

Next, let's talk about Bart's superhero game. Here, you fly through the skies armed with only a slingshot. You're expected to take down dozens of flying bad guys to earn your homework. One attack knocks off one-fourth, sometimes one-half, of your health. Bosses include a drunk man on a flying, pink elephant and a biplane that you simply cannot dodge. I beat this game once by sheer luck.

Get used to seeing this screen a lot.

The final game (that I know of) lets you play as Bart in his own bloodstream. This is one weird game. All you have to do is blow up germs before they stab you to death or throw grenades at you. Some creepy little guy floats down every now and then, cheerfully saying "Hi there!" Touch the guy enough times (insert perverted joke here) to make the homework page fall down to you.

In the end, I don't know what happens if you collect all the pages, and there is no way I'm going to play this crap long enough to find out.

3xtreme

Look how xtreme these guys are.

3xtreme, apparently the third in a series of terrible racing games (the "3" in there gives it away), made its debut on the PlayStation years ago. Because the game drops the "e" from "xtreme," you just know it's going to be totally rad, right?

The disappointment begins as soon as the game does. You pick from one of several hideous characters, like some chick wearing the American flag or the "hip" dude with baggy shorts and a floppy hat. Each character gets to use one of three xtreme rides, including a skateboard, mountain bike or roller blades.

How roller blades are supposed to compete with a mountain bike, or even a skateboard, is beyond me. If you pick the roller blades, you're automatically at a disadvantage. I'm guessing they are meant to be the game's "hard" difficulty mode. I unfortunately had to win the game with roller blades if I wanted to unlock some super-secret special content. So I bravely picked a roller-blading chick and a race track.

When the race started, my character watched helplessly as the racers on bikes and skateboards took off, leaving her in a cloud of dust. Though she struggled admirably to keep up, alas, she limped into last place minutes after the others crossed the finish line. Bike riders always came in first, of course.

The best part of 3xtreme is probably the exaggerated "Ooof!" the characters emit when they crash their ride. You hear this agonized cry pretty often, since you can fall off your bike or board for numerous reasons, such as touching an opponent, scraping a wall or trying to go around a corner. After your character takes a dive, he sloooowly gets back on his feet. Sometimes I'd crash my bike, go make a phone call, and come back to find the guy still trying to climb back on.

Phat moves: WTF?

Aside from the terrible, pixelated graphics and the unfair gameplay, 3xtreme slows to a crawl anytime more than three characters share the same screen space. You can almost hear the game grunting and groaning under the stress. One time, the game slowed down so much that it nearly stopped. I thought it had frozen. If it had, I was ready to snatch it out of the PlayStation and use it for a Frisbee or drink coaster instead.

If you're really desperate to try 3xtreme, you can probably find it on eBay for under $3. With shipping. I warn you, though. 3xtreme is three times as xtreme as its predecessors. Before you buy the game, ask yourself: can I really handle that much xtremity? Even if you think you can, trust me, you don't want to try.

Current Gen Crap: Five of the Worst Wii Games Ever

Really bad video games are kind of like a nasty car accident on the highway: you know you shouldn't stop to look at them, but out of curiosity, you do anyway. It takes a special type of game to be considered one of the worst. Some games have bad graphics, but an excellent story. Others have no story, but are fun enough to make up for it. The worst games, however, seem to get nothing right. If you own a Nintendo Wii, stay far away from the following five gaming disasters.

1.Ninjabread Man

How did something like this get published?

A sword-wielding gingerbread man may sound like an interesting concept for a video game, but don't be fooled. Ninjabread Man's world consists of outdated graphics and a barely functional control scheme. Even kids, the game's target audience, won't be impressed.

2.Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree

If you ever wanted to know what it's like to be a redneck, here's your chance. As the story goes, redneck families from across the trailer park decide to compete in a collection of minigames. The grand prize is the privilege of living in the park's most luxurious trailer. If the ridiculous story doesn't keep you away, the awful minigames will.

3.Army Men: Soldiers of Misfortune

The funny thing about this game is that the title actually serves as a warning: you'll experience nothing but misfortune if you attempt to play it. You take on the role of Timmy, a boy who shrinks down to the size of his Army Men toys to help them win a war. Sadly, with controls this dysfunctional, you won't be winning anything.

4.Chuck E. Cheese's Party Games

Taking a kid to the real Chuck E. Cheese's arcade, complete with screaming children and mediocre food, is a much better option than playing this game. This is another of the Wii's lackluster attempts at a minigame collection. Most minigame collections allow and encourage multiple players to join in, but not this one; it's for one player only. Not that it matters: finding anyone that wants to play this game is probably impossible.

5.Action Girlz Racing

Action Girlz Racing is, to put it bluntly, a technical nightmare. At the start, you're given three nearly identical racers and just one racecourse. Never mind that the graphics are horrible and the characters are boring clones, the game's nonexistent camera control and glitches are even worse. The fact that you can drive your car straight through the walls says it all.

Bible Adventures - NES

This game must be special because it's blue.

What do you do when your kids hate Sunday School and won't go to church? Buy them Bible Adventures, of course!

Bible Adventures tries to make up for the fact that it sucks by including three games in one package. Sadly, none of them make a whole lot of sense. In the first game, you're Noah, and it's your job to gather a bunch of animals onto a huge ark before the world is washed away by a flood. The Bible must have forgotten to mention that Noah was the world's first superhero. This guy can stack cows, pigs, and horses on top of one another, then climb up trees while carrying them on his head. This would all be awesome if Noah didn't drop all his animals every time he got attacked by a lion.

David has this problem too. By David, I mean the David that kills the giant, Goliath, with a stone to the face. Admittedly, when I started playing the game, I thought it would be about David fighting this giant. But no. It was about the joys of herding wayward sheep into their pen. Every lion, squirrel and ram is out to destroy David and his sheep. If God wanted David and Noah to rescue these animals so bad, why did he make it so difficult? Maybe he was just testing their faith. I can't think of any better explanation.

So this is how Noah did it.

The one game that does something different (but far from better) is the baby Moses game. In it, you're some random Egyptian woman who's tasked with taking the baby Moses to safety before he's kidnapped by evil palace guards. Moses is little more than a burden, and he doesn't even help you fend off the guards and wild animals that are attacking you. Sure, you can throw him at your foes, but don't be surprised when all he does is bounce on the ground and go flying into the river. In fact, you might as well complete the level without him. The game doesn't seem to care.

Bible Adventures offers the poor, hapless player tips as they suffer through each of the games. Sometimes, you might pick up what you think is a tip, only it's just a random Bible verse that can't help you in any way. Parents, if you bought this game for your kids, shame on you. It's no wonder they're atheists today.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - NES

This game had me totally fooled. I seriously thought it was going to be about Freddy Kreuger, the crazy burn victim with knives for fingers who stalks misbehaving teenagers in their dreams. I mean, Freddy's even on the game's box cover, so it's only logical to think that's the star of this game. But what do you see when you enter this so-called nightmare?

Snakes, crows and giant rats. Oh, and zombies, too. Because these things absolutely make sense in a Nightmare on Elm Street game.

I think the point of the game is to collect the bones of Freddy so your character of uncertain gender can burn them, thereby destroying the monster for all eternity. Even if you somehow could accomplish this bizarre task, it wouldn't matter. Everyone knows Freddy Kreuger never dies. Never.

To be fair, Kreuger does show up to kick the crap out of you occasionally. This only happens when you get hit enough times by one the terrifying creatures or rocks that seem to mysteriously fall from the sky. When you get hit, your “sleep” meter goes up. When it fills all the way, your character is trapped in dreamland, where Freddy can find and maim you. Mostly, though, you're stuck squaring off against spooky ghosts and flying skulls. I swear, this game includes every horror cliche known to man.

Only this snake stands between you and Kreuger.

If, after the first five minutes of this nonsense, you decide to hunt for Freddy's bones anyway, good luck. You'll have to roam aimlessly through the streets, punching wild animals out of your way, to look for a house with an open door. In all honestly, the juvenile delinquent that is your character needs to stop searching for houses to break into. If he/she wanders randomly into someone else's house, well then, they deserve every giant rat bite and flying skull attack they get.

Packy and Marlon - SNES

Learning about diabetes is hip, bro.

This game starts off with a disclaimer: it can teach you about diabetes, but it won't teach you how to manage your own diabetes. And what good is a game if it can't do that?

Indeed, Packy and Marlon is actually a game designed to teach kids about the horrors of diabetes. A bunch of rats have broken into Camp Wa-Kee's supply room and stolen all the diabetes medication. Because I know the first thing rats would go for is definitely diabetes medicine. They steal food, too, and leave it scattered in the strangest places.

You play as one of two elephants, either Packy or Marlon, as the title suggests. It's your job to collect the stolen medicine and food, all while monitoring your blood glucose level and eating right every day. If you need to buy your kids a game to teach them how to eat breakfast and use their medication, I'd have to say you're a parental failure.

What really sucks the fun out of this game is the fact that it's hardly a game. You have to give your diabetic elephant insulin to keep his blood sugar up. If you defeat a level's boss with his blood sugar too high or low, you basically die and have to restart again. That'll teach kids the importance of taking their insulin real quick, I guess.

Your short and stubby elephant wanders through the level at a snail's pace, and there seems to be no way to run. Like Dumbo, he can flap his ears and glide a little, but it's useless since he only manages to jump about an inch off the floor. You can shoot your enemies with globs of water, but who knows if the game's registering the hit. I've hit enemies with one shot and they died. Then I hit the same kind of enemy with five shots, and they kept on chasing after me. Your best bet is to just try to jump over everything, but like I said, you only jump about one inch off the ground.

Hurry: gotta find the food that RODENTS stole!

During the level, you run into various animal buddies who all have important questions about diabetes for you. Answer three in a row, and get a free life. Answer wrong, and nothing happens. I thought it would be awesome if the animal friend mauled your elephant to death for answering wrong, but they just give you the right answer and disappear.

If there was more action, better graphics, better sound and pretty much better everything, this game would have actually made learning about diabetes interesting. But, hey: give your kids this game, and they'll definitely start thinking that reading and doing homework is fun.

Home Improvement - SNES

It's Tool Time!

Back in the day, Home Improvement was once a popular show. It featured Tim Allen as Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, who, with his buddies, hosted a TV show about powering up pretty much any machine they could. Throughout the show, Tim would periodically make grunting noises and act like a neanderthal. I can see the premise for this game already, can't you?

Yes, someone thought to make Home Improvement into a game. God help us all. The story goes that you, Tim, and your Tool Time crew, are about to unveil some super awesome new tools from the Binford Company. Only when Tim goes backstage to bring them out, he finds they've been stolen! Oh no!

Fortunately for Tim, a note was left behind telling him to “go back to the stone age.” Bright guy that he is, Tim figures that the tools were taken to some recording studio where a show about dinosaurs is being filmed. His lazy friends decide to stay behind and guard the Tool Time studio while Tim goes to get attacked by vicious dinosaurs.

I'm totally gonna kill this raptor with my staple gun.

Tim's main weapon is a staple gun, which isn't the most accurate thing in the world. He can pick up other weapons, too, but they all equally suck. As you roam around the level, you're supposed to gather the tool crates that are scattered around the place. After falling off a ledge because Tim couldn't stop running in time, I wondered why Binford doesn't just make a new set of tools. You're telling me these are the only ones in the world, and the blueprints have been destroyed?

Anyway, I'm not sure who the tool thief turned out to be, because there are no continues in this game, and I guess I'm just not savvy enough to handle “The Tool Man.” If you see a copy of this game somewhere, I suggest using it as a doorstop instead of playing it. I like to think that Tim, full of creative and ingenious ideas himself, would want it that way.

Jaws - NES

If you like games that are fun, exciting, and make some sense, by all means, do NOT play Jaws. For the most part, this game isn't even really about Jaws. You spend most of your time sailing around a small harbor, randomly smashing into things.

There's no escape? Yes, there is: turn off the Nintendo.

Apparently, you're a diver who decides to hunt for Jaws with nothing more than a sailboat and a spear gun. Your sailing is interrupted about every three seconds when your boat mysteriously hits “something.” That's what the game calls it. You never really know what you hit.

That's because as soon as you hit whatever it is, your diver decides to take a swim in the ocean and look for seashells. Yes, for some unexplainable reason, collecting conch shells helps you find Jaws. With them, you can upgrade your boat. For instance, I traded my conch shells for a useless shark detector, which never went off, even when Jaws attacked my boat.

Jaw's Power: 5,000. Diver Power: absolutely none.

And Jaws might as well be God. He's impossible to kill, seriously. I must have shot him about 50 times, and his health bar never budged. Maybe if you collect a million conch shells, you can upgrade to a rocket launcher that will blow his shark face into pieces. I sure hope so, because if not, this game literally has no point.

The game has an amazing array of enemies: a jellyfish, and an orange stingray. Get touched by either, and your diver curls up in agony and dies. Suck it up, I say. If you don't, how long do you intend to last in an epic battle with Jaws, the god-shark? Not that it matters, I suppose. Boredom is sure to kill you long before the shark does.

James Pond: Underwater Agent - Sega Genesis

Do you love James Bond, the suave secret agent who has a way with guns and women? Do you love goldfish? If so, this game is for you.

James Pond is a spy-fish, who wears a tuxedo and swims around completing top-secret missions (how...clever). He's an ugly little guy too. He looks almost like a real goldfish, with those puckered lips and beady eyes.

This fish has the worst arsenal of any secret agent I've ever seen. His only hope, against the armies of aquatic evildoers, is his deadly stream of bubbles. Not a gun, but bubbles. The idea is that you're supposed to trap your foes in a bubble, then touch the bubble to obliterate them.

While this works at first, the later levels throw dozens of respawning baddies at you at once, and they're fast. You can swim anywhere you want, but that's hardly fun when you just know that in the screen above you, you're about to be assaulted by eels and sharks from every direction. And no matter how well you play, you can only store up to four lives, which disappear quickly.

The game also fails on the general “fun” level. There's really no story. Every level, you're given some kind of mission. At first glance, they all sound different. You get to do awesome stuff like freeing lobsters from their cages and cleaning up hazardous waste barrels. This is actually just a collect-a-thon. Basically, you just look for something, and pick it up. Sometimes, you'll look for a key or a pearl, then take that item to a fish or a mermaid. Then you have the pleasure of escorting that character to safety.

Your mission: seal the leaking sewage pipe.

This is the entire game. It sounds so easy, but it's not. To make matters worse, the water you're swimming in changes colors every level, and it looks bad. On very rare occasions, the water is blue, but more often, it's brown or green or black. Why is the water a disgusting brown color? Do you even want to know?

I've never been able to beat this atrocious game, and I'm ashamed to say I've tried. I usually get to this level where some ghost fish is chasing James Pond around everywhere. Every time the ghost touches him, he takes damage. The fish can go through walls, and James Pond can't. So often, he'll end up cornered, unable to escape or do anything but die.

Basically, if you want to be a secret agent, stay on dry land. Then you won't have to suffer through this shipwreck. All this game really does is make me hungry for some lobster.

Altered Beast - Sega Genesis

I hear this game is supposed to be a classic, but really, it's just classically crappy. The premise sounds cool enough: transform into a werewolf and beat up the foes in your way.

As is often the case, it sounds better than it is. You are some unknown man, bought back from the grave by Zeus to save his former lover from a wizard. The game side-scrolls automatically, taking you along with it, and stripping away any chance for exploration.

This wouldn't be too bad if the game was fun. But it's just not. There are five levels, and they're all basically the same. Walk through the level, punching and kicking zombies and other demonic creatures. As a puny human, that's all you can do: try to smack a demon before it eats you alive, which happens a lot. Every so often, a blue dog or pig (can't tell which) leaps at you. Kill it, and power up. Kill enough of them, and you transform into a vicious monster! If only it was as good as it sounds.

Wolfman versus Demonic Pile of Crap.

In the first level, you're supposed to become a werewolf, but you just look like a big brown man with the head of a wolf. Sure, you can shoot fire and dash across the screen at super speed covered in flames, which are abilities I didn't know a werewolf had. But this makes the game essentially play itself, since everything dies in one hit. Even the boss goes down easy.

And once you beat one boss, you just move on to the next level and do the exact same thing again. Worse, as you go on, the game can't even handle all the action on-screen, and it slows down to a crawl. But don't worry, if you're playing this game, you'll probably give up well before this ever happens.

AAAHH!!! Real Monsters - SNES

The title of this game really should be “AAAHH!!! Real Garbage,” since that's pretty much what this game is. I fortunately don't remember much about the old Nickelodeon cartoon, but I do know it was about three ugly looking monsters that went around scaring people.

The developers of the game did a good job scaring me, at least, because it's difficult to describe the fear that you get when you realize you've just wasted 10 minutes of your life playing it. You get to control all three of the monsters: a short and stubby red thing with bunny ears, a fat, hairy midget who can throw his eyeballs at stuff, and some kind of black and white candy cane creature with ginormous red lips.

You would think that with three playable monsters in the game, it had to be at least somewhat fun, but no. Each monster attacks in exactly the same way, by throwing garbage at enemies. Enemies, by the way, like rats, bats and pit bulls. If these are monsters, why don't they just eat these helpless creatures and be on their way? Oh, wait, they're monsters-in-training, I forgot.

This really is a nightmare.

The monsters are on some kind of scavenger hunt for school in every single level, in which they must prove their worth by collecting a sneaker. To do so, they'll need to make use of their astounding monster powers. Two of the powers involve either making the monsters stand on top of each other or flinging them across pits. The final power lets you throw midget monster's eyeball, letting you get a look at the nightmare around you.

Sure, you might get through the first level in the dump, and collect that sneaker in the process. But when your teacher just tells you to basically go do the same thing again, only in another dump, it's then time to rip the game out of your Super Nintendo, burn it, and find something not crappy to play.

Dennis the Menace - SNES

If you've ever gone on a scavenger hunt to collect a bunch of useless, hidden items, then didn't get rewarded for your efforts, don't even bother playing “Dennis the Menace.” You've done this all before.

How do I get out of this house?

The game, loosely based on the characters from the crappy movie, is all about gathering four large gold coins in every level, then trying desperately to find the exit before getting mauled by a purple cat or a pigeon. Sure, you can collect some little gold coins, too, but they're worthless. There's nothing to buy, you don't earn a life when you collecting 100 of them, nothing.

So, Dennis goes off on an epic quest to gather these coins, while putting himself in extreme peril. In the first level, for example, he scrounges through Mr. Wilson's house, which is infested with endlessly respawning purple cats, mice, and possessed dishes. If Dennis walks too far to the end of house, Mr. Wilson chases him and throws him out. Mr. Wilson should mind his own business and go call an exterminator, as well as an exorcist, if you ask me.

Later levels have Dennis traipsing through a park in the middle of the night, then into a boiler room, all in an effort to find those gold coins. And that kid needs all the luck he can get. He's equipped with an utterly useless water pistol, a slow shooting sling shot, and a pea shooter. And you have to find the pea shooter before using it, so good luck with that.

Once Dennis gets attacked by enough wild animals, his courage meter empties, and it's back to the beginning of the level for you. No checkpoints, of course, because obviously you love coin collecting so much, that you want to do it over and over again, right? Lose all your lives, and it's game over. You don't get any continues, and there's no password feature. It's like Ocean, the company who made this trash, is laughing in your face at your failure. This means that they expect you to play this awful game for hours until you beat it, with no breaks whatsoever.

I've got news for you, Ocean: I do believe that's torture, and last I checked, torture is illegal in this country. Expect a call from my lawyers. I know once they play this game, it'll be lawsuit time.

Barbie Vacation Adventure - SNES

What could little girls possibly love more than Barbie? I mean, look at her sparkling personality and impressive intelligence. Or not. The fact is, this game is about Barbie taking a vacation around the country. I can't think of anything more exciting!

Before you take Barbie out on her vacation, you have the privilege of dressing her up. All you can really do is change the color of her skimpy outfit. Let's see. Do I want to dress Barbie in the hot pink mini skirt, or the green one? Choices, choices.

You can take Barbie to a few different states, doing boring things in every single one. My favorite had to be the camping trip in Wyoming. Barbie's got to hop across some tree stumps to get to the other side of a pond. If you fall off the stumps, which is a given, Barbie lands in some ankle deep water and starts complaining about how she needs to go back and dry off. Way to teach girls how to be all spoiled and high-maintenance, Barbie.

Next, Barbie heads to Iowa to attend a carnival run by hicks. As soon as you enter, you run into a pig, which proceeds to follow you. Barbie says, “Now I can play the carnival games!” Why the pig is a requirement to play a game, I'll never know. She should have turned the pig into a ham sandwich and went home, 'cause these carnival games suck.

Where are my %*$* presents?!

If Barbie does go home, she finds out her studly boyfriend, Ken, has thrown her a surprise party and hidden all of her presents around the house. You'll spend time in a mansion where everything is pink, looking for these crappy presents. If you find one, you'll have to guess what it is. There's not a penalty for guessing wrong, so what's the point?

I could go on about the rest of Barbie's vacation, but I really can't take anymore. All this pink is making my eyes bleed.

Elevator Action - NES

Let's be honest for a second, here: “Elevator Action” really sounds like the title of a supremely cheesy 70's adult film. When I started the game, I thought for just a moment that it might be interesting. In some way or another.

Well, unfortunately, this game is not interesting. I have found that it is impossible to make a game solely focused on elevators interesting, and there surely isn't much action to be had, either.

Apparently, you're some secret agent, sent to ride an elevator down about 50 floors in a big, blue building. Occasionally, you have to get out of the elevator and actually walk down a flight of stairs, because the elevator doesn't go down that floor. I'm trembling with excitement already, aren't you?

There is supposedly a purpose to all this intriguing gameplay. As your ride the elevator to the bottom, you have to go in the red doors, collect briefcases, and avoid getting shot by clones of guys who all wear the same black trench coat and top hat.

Just 18 floors of crap to go.

I know it sounds amazing, but it really isn't. First of all, this game looks about as bad as an Atari game, and makes about as much sense as most of them do, too. The only interesting thing you can do is squash mafia members with the elevator. If you get to the bottom without the briefcases, guess what? You're sent right back up to the top to fetch them.

I don't know if this game has more than one level, because I honestly gave up after my character fell about three feet, spun around in a circle, and died a slow, painful death. That's a bit too much Elevator Action for one day, methinks.

Back to the Future - NES

If you ever want to waste a half hour of your life, go play Back to the Future for the NES. Oh, sure, the movie was full of excitement, humor, and good old-fashioned time traveling. Not the game.

The game, if that's what you want to call it, features the suave Marty McFly as he cruises up the streets of Hill Valley. That's all you do in basically every level: walk. Basically, you have to walk through the city, collecting little alarm clocks as you go. If you don't collect clocks fast enough, you die. I guess the alarm clocks are keeping you safe until you get back to your own time, though they don't do a very good job.

Aieee! Not another trash can!

Whatever time Marty is in, it's full of constant and very real threats, such as rabid, swarming bees and women twirling hula-hoops in the middle of the road. Sometimes, the hula-hoop women even throw marbles at Marty, causing him to fall down and die.

As if that isn't bad enough, Marty can also die by simply tripping over a bench or even a curb. If you can't manage to dodge the pot holes and oil slicks in the road, and somehow fall prey to their plan to destroy you, Marty falls face-first onto the pavement, waving his fists around as if throwing a tantrum. Lose all his lives, and he'll fade away into nothingness, which is actually a good thing, believe it or not.

It's not as exciting as it looks.

If you manage to complete four levels in a row, you're “rewarded” with a mini-game, which is somehow even worse than the real game. In the first mini-game, which is as far as I got, you have to throw milkshakes at bullies to defeat them. If you miss (very likely, due to the god-awful controls), you're thrown out of the bar and have to start the game from the beginning! I give up. Screw Marty. He's not going back to the future—he's staying right where he is.

Baby Boomer - NES

As soon as you fire this game up, you know you're in for something special. On the left side of the main menu is an innocent, curious baby. On the right: a flaming barrel of dynamite.

I'm not sure what sadistic tendencies the creators of this game had, but if they tried something like this today, there would be a lawsuit for sure.

 I don't even know what to say.

In Baby Boomer, you don't control the innocent little tyke. No, it's your task to aim the cross-hairs on-screen at any peril in the baby's way, and remove it before the infant meets his doom. You may wonder why a baby is crawling away from certain death, anyway. The game explains that the baby has lost his mother (such negligence!) and it is your job to guide him back to her. Frankly, if this mother could just lose her baby in the middle of a park, maybe she doesn't deserve for him to come back. That kid would be better off crawling to the nearest adoption agency.

Watch out for that rat!

The game's box makes it very clear that this fine piece of software is “not designed, manufactured, sponsored, or endorsed by Nintendo." If that's not a warning, what is? If you do ignore all reason and play Baby Boomer anyway, you'll have to defend the baby from sewer rats that fall out of trees, jumping cockroaches and even walking skeletons.

I made it about as far as the first level, after shooting clouds to make bridges for the infant and killing attacking snakes and bugs. At the end of the level, baby approaches a menacing sign: “To Cemetery,” it says. Hey, baby's mom: child protective services is gearing up to pay you a visit! I gave up on this “game” after the baby fell into an open grave and started throwing a tantrum.

The one good thing about Baby Boomer is that everyone who originally owned a copy probably threw it away after playing it once. That means if you own your own copy, it's probably considered a rare collectible on eBay by now. Right?